Thursday, December 31, 2009

Fri Dec 31

I feel like I am just dragging everyone down when I get on here without being happy. I'm sorry. But today I am not happy.

Yesterday was okay. The kids went tubing with their cousins. I went to return items with Marilyn. It's funny how something you used to love to do can suddenly be something you I hate it now.

But the kids did have fun. That was important to me. We all met and then went out to dinner with Jay, Marilyn, Jonathon, Jessica, Stephanie, and Emma. (Allison and Dawn had other plans....) Anyway we met at Chili's. As I drove by the cemetery I just shook my head...not believing he was gone. I didn't know Rach had seem me. She asked "What?" I said nothing was wrong. Then as I drove, with Rach, in silence, all I could think about was the times that we would go to chili's as a family....or more.....when John and I would go as a cheap date because we could share a meal. In fact, we had been there the night before the accident.

As I pulled in the parking lot. I fell to pieces. Rach asked me what was wrong. I told her mommy just needed to cry. She sat and held my hand. And I cried....and cried. I wanted John there more than anything else right then.

What I thought would be a fun night out turned out to be the saddest for me. I couldn't wait to get out of there.

Rach and I went and did a few more returns. Then we decided to go to grams and gramps. On the way I called Isaac to see how he was doing (matthew and he had stayed home). He said he was alone. Matthew had left him alone. My heart broke. I can't stand to be alone right now! And he didn't have a choice! I told him I was sorry and would be there soon. We came by and picked him up and went to grams. But I was miserable. I couldn't focus. I faked smiles, laughter...I faked happiness.

When I got home...I didn't want to be here. Okay...I'm not happy. I don't know how I can go on without John. I don't want to. I can't. I can't. I can't. Somebody help me go on. I can't see the future without him. I can't see a future. I just want out.

I tried to sit down and read and couldn't focus. I just wanted out of this mess. Out of the decisions I have to make. Our of being all the kids have left.

I know everyone keeps telling me that I have to be there for the kids. They have to see that their mom is okay. I'm not okay. I am not okay.

I have an ache in my stomach, my soul that longs for John. It is there all the time. Today it is so deep...its untouchable by anything, anyone but my John.

Somebody pray today. Pray today....I just feel like I can't go on. I can't even pray. The only thing I want right now is John....I can't ask God for that. So, I don't know what else to pray for.

The kids go on as if nothing has changed. Why can't I? I know they are hurting...they have to be. But they live on.....I can't have a life with out John. There just isn't one.

Somebody.....somebody pray for me today. I just can't go on!

and never ever forget to pray for my kids........

Wednesday, December 30, 2009

Wed Dec 29

As i write this i am listening to the song by Rich Mullins, "Hold Me Jesus" cuz I'm shaking like a leaf. That is how I feel today. Hold me Jesus. fridge is fixed thanks to your loving father. And I would never be offended over something that was meant only for good. Thank you for sharing the dream. Someone once told me that God does use dreams when we really need them. I needed that. Thank you again.

Donetta, I have heard that song. You are right. It is for me. I was also listening to songs from Point of Grace this morning. They are all so good. Those "old" songs as I would call them.

If you have any of the old cd's that you don't use anymore...I would love to have them. I don't have fancy equipment, just a cd player....I am happy with that. But I so want to surround myself with his words of music. I always just listened to KLOVE. But I now know there is so much more out there.

Donetta, remember when we went to that concert at the church...who was that group....that I loved? I can't remember.

Yesterday was lonely. It seemed that all the kids had their own thing to do. I didn't. Cuz the one I did things with is gone. It was just Rach and me. We decided to go go Walmart and return some things. As I was walking to the car, I thought, "Well, this is the way it is going to be from here on out...just me and Rach." Not that I don't love her, or being with her. She is my sweet loving Rachel....but it was so different...I was so lonely...... I can't even explain how I felt. It just wasn't right.

Today I am venturing out. I'm scared. I am going to coffee with Sandy, Karalee and Sallye. I'm scared. I don't know why. I have a sick feeling in my stomach. I am afraid to leave the kids alone. Remember where I was when this all began. I still can't go to Panera....we are going to IHOP. But I don't want to....I don't want to. I know I have to if I am going to move on. But I am so afraid. Every time that phone rings I will be so afraid. I can't stand the thought.

Today the kids are going tubing with their cousins. I am sure it will be the same thing for me. Until I see them walk through the door.

I think I am going through some stage of grief. I just can't believe he is gone. That was my last thought before I went to bed last night and the first when I woke. I can't believe he is gone.

Prayer requests....
Contentment for me where God has placed me
Wisdom...especially financial...I am so afraid
Wisdom with the kids
Freedom from fear
That God would cont to work in Matthew's heart, soul, and mind. (I do see a change)
Protection for my children
Hannah running in the 5k. I know it starts at the Route 66 park by Lake Overholser. I haven't got the time yet.
An angel for my children to fill the void that is left.
Isaac, that he will somehow get past having John as his buddy and will accept the one God sends in his another buddy
A hedge of Angel around my house, around me, around each of my children
Jay, Marilyn and they too, come to terms with all that has happened.

Thank you for reading, for you care, concern, prayers...and OH so much more. You are God send...everyone of you.


Tuesday, December 29, 2009

Again...added new...Tues Dec 28

I was looking up all the articles on John. And I found this Online Legacy that was set up by The Daily Oklahoma...I thought you might like to read it...I enjoyed it. I just copied the address so I hope it works.

If this doesn't work I bet you could just put in Legacy book for John Griffis. I hope you can find it.


I posted a blog earlier today....hope you can find it...this is just an added thing I found.

Tue Dec 28

Yesterday was going great. Hannah had went to Basketball practice, Matthew was up and around....though quiet, and Isaac was at Glenn's.

After cleaning the kitchen up, doing some laundry I finally had a chance to sit down. I have a basket that I call my "Grief Basket" is full of books, scriptures, letters, etc that you have sent me for encouragement. Then I have a basket full, and I do mean full, of cards that I wanted to sit down and reread. I also wanted to work on my Thank Yous. So, after reading God's word, reading a few pages from a grief book, and a few scriptures from you, I worked on my Thank Yous. I did that for an a couple of hours.

Then I decided that Rach and I would go to the Mall and make some exchanges. While I dreaded going, I know it needed to be done. I asked Matthew if he wanted to So off we went.

I wasn't in there long until I just wanted to get out. I don't know why, can't pin point it but it just saddened me to be there. We weren't there that long, got our things done and was out.

I should have started this with the fact that every time I walked in the kitchen yesterday morning I would step in a puddle. I was getting mad at Molly (our schnoodle) and beginning to think that she had a bladder problem. Then I realized that it was coming from the fridge. I put a towel down and thought that something was leaking...and went on my business.

Sallye called (she does everyday to check on me!!!!!) and I told her that if Jeff had a chance if he would come by and look at it. Of course he would she said.

So, when I got home from the mall they were just leaving. They came in and said that it was just a button on the freezer part. When I opened the freezer my food was thawed. Eventually it had been that way for a while. But, we thought we had fixed it. But when Jeff looked again he said it wasn't. So, I told that I would call Jay.

Jay in turn called Brad Segard. Bless his heart. He has been here so many times. But, he never says I'll be there when I can.....he comes right away. And he has always fixed the problem. I can't thank him enough. Sure enough he found the problem. Some board in the back was ruined. (funny thing...he was here just last week and fixed the ice maker!) No, that isn't funny ...anymore. My new motto...when it rains it pours at my house!

Luckily, it was cold enough that Jay and I could move the refrigerated stuff to the garage. We salvaged what we hoped would be okay from the thawed food in the freezer...but we lost a lot of it. I was just too afraid to keep it.

Brad will be over to fix it as soon as he get the part. Notice....its not up to him...I am sure he would be here first thing if he could get the part....I am sure. It's when he gets the part. He reminds me a lot of John....he would do all he could to help anyone. Thank you again don't know how much I appreciate it.

By then....I thought I couldn't take another step. I didn't mention it to anyone. But i was at the end of my rope. Oh, I know the fridge can be fixed. I'm just weary. Tired. Tired of be happy, to keep things together....worrying for the go keep the memories of John from tearing me apart....oh if I named them all you would be weary too.

Then Marilyn called....she knows I still can't sit at our table to eat...and I still have trouble fixing. We have been eating there...bless her heart...I know she is mourning too, yet she takes care of me and my kids. She wanted to know what our plans were for dinner. I just broke. I cried and told her I didn't know. But I was so weary. So tired of it all. She of course invited us over to eat there, but she also knows that the kids want to be home to play their games. She offered so much. I told her I would talk with the kids.

Then I remembered that some Angel had given me some Swadley bucks. That seemed to sound good to my kids taste buds. So, Jay came by and took our orders and went and picked it up. Bless his heart. I feel so badly because I know they are grieving too, yet they take care of us.

I was planning to go over to their house later...but got so involved in my thank yous that it was later than I expected...and I was very tired. So, I got our mattresses out and went to bed.

I feel sad this morning...the way I wake every morning...just waiting to see what today holds. I hope it is something good. I need it.

Thanks for the songs. They are old...but I remember singing them in church. They were both so wonderful.

I don't remember who asked about the time and place Hannah will be running on Jan 1, but I will get the information and post it on here. Brrrrrr, it is going to be cold!!!!! Do they cancel these things because of weather? I wonder. I will get all the info from David Long...he is running with her.d

My prayer requests
Matthew....that God would continue to soften and touch his heart, soul and mind. That he will want to do things with not only Isaac, but with the rest of the family.

Hannah. Again she seems to be doing well. I don't know what she is holding in...if anything. But pray that God do His good work in her. For her protection.

Isaac....That God would continue to heal his little heart. He misses daddy so much. He doesn't say it...but I know it.

Rachel....she seems to be doing pretty well also....just pray that God continue to heal her also.

That God would send an special angel to each of the fill the void that was left. Someone who can do the things that John did with each of them....that they enjoyed. God send someone.

Me...that God would continue to help me go on. Give me strength. To use the memories as joy and not sadness. To have wisdom for all that I am responsible, finances, choices....raising the kids...etc.

That God would surround our house with a hedge of Angels. That no evil will enter or prevail.

Thanks for being faithful in reading. I don't feel like I am talking to the computer. Thanks for our comments...they are all so helpful.


Monday, December 28, 2009

Mon Dec 27

Thank you for all your prayers. It seems they were answered. Yes, we made it through Christmas, my family arrived here and back home safely.

Yesterday was a day of reflection for me. Nothing going on....just kind of quiet. The girls watching a movie on t.v. Matthew in his room. Isaac in his room with Glenn Adams. So that left me alone.

It seemed as though everything I did reminded me of John. I sat in "his recliner" and looked up some things on Ebay. Then I read some grief books, which I want to thank each of you that have shared them with me. It seems that in every book God has a new bit of help for me. Then I just leaned my chair back and thought. Probably not a really good thing to do because it brought tears, but I just reflected on John, and what a wonderful man he really was.

There was an awesome article in The Bethany Tribune this week. Sallye put that together. It was a great tribute to John. My prayer is that he is never forgotten. That his legacy WILL live on because each life he touched will touch another, and that one will touch another, and on it will go.....because of God's Grace in John's life.

Matthew is changing so don't quit praying! We thought he had his work done for OWU that they would release him. But evidently, the teachers were slow in getting the work to the Office of Student Development. So last week we got a lengthy email with all this work that he has 5 weeks to complete, or he gets an Incomplete or an "F". I was so scared to bring it up to him. But I finally did, he took it without emotion.

But, I have been afraid that he would put it off. But yesterday he yelled out to me that he had finished his Lit work! I couldn't believe it! So, I went in and he sure had....and then he told me that for the next 4 days he has it all scheduled to get it finished!!!!! I told him how proud and happy I was that he had taken it into his own hands to get it done!!!!

Plus, he seems different. I can't put my finger on it, but he seems different. He still has that teenage attitude, but he is different. For instance, he is not happy about having to drive the Saturn. He wants to always drive my Explorer. So, a lot of times I give in because I am afraid of an argument. Even though I want my Explorer. But if it will save an argument, I will do it.

Hannah is doing alright. David Long asked her to run in a 5K on Jan. 1. She couldn't give him an answer. I knew why. It didn't have anything to do with not having had everything to do with daddy not being there to cheer her on and see her at the finish line. But yesterday she asked me to tell David that she would run in it. I am so proud of her. I know she will do fine. I just need to get her some warm running gear! She doesn't have much fat to keep her warm as it is!!!!!

Isaac is doing okay. He is too busy playing with his PS3 that God's Angels gave him for Christmas. He loves it.

Rachel is doing okay. She has her moments when she will crawl up on my lap and just be quiet or even cry a little bit. She misses those moments with John.

The girls did go out and build a snowman yesterday. I was glad that Hannah went out with Rach to do that. They had fun doing it.

I am scared for Monday to come. I am afraid of school, for me and the kids. I am afraid. I don't know why. I don't want it to come.

I still have a hard time letting the kids go places. They seem like it is know big deal....but I want them here with I know where and what they are doing.

I don't know what today holds. I don't even know what I am going to do. I kind of wish the snow would go away so I wouldn't feel so guilty about not going out and playing in the snow like John did. After the first snow John would always go out and collect snow and make snow cream. I was sick yesterday when I realized that I hadn't made any (didn't know how). The kids hadn't even asked. I know it was because they knew I couldn't. But when we went to Marilyn's, Dawn had made some and brought some over. Marilyn had it in the freezer. The kids loved it. So, I am going to make some for the kids. I know it won't be like John's. He made such a big event about it.......

My prayer requests
That my heart would heal, that my pain would ease
That God grant me wisdom, in all I do, all I say, and as I read his word and the books I have received. Wisdom in financial matters.
Wisdom with my children...helping them in the way God knows is best
That God will send a special person to each of my children that they will be able to talk to.....basically, I want God to fill that HOLE that the death of John has left. Doing things with them. With Matthew that would be mentor, someone he can talk with about golf....go golfing a golf buddy. For Hannah that would be to cheer her on, train her, be at the half way mark, be at the finish line to hug her. For Isaac, that would be someone to play catch with, go to the store with, hang with....just be with. Go do little jobs on things with.....For Rach, date with, hug a lot.....teach her softball...she wants to play so bad next year. John was going to teach her how to pitch...that was her goal. She is going to start track next year...someone to help her there.

I know I can do most of these things and I intend to try. But I want someone that they can call their own....that one SPECIAL person.

I am still working on Thank Yous. I just want you to know that I appreciate all of you have done. I want to thank all you personally, and I intend to, but it will take a while. So, please will be coming. And if I forget someone..please, please forgive me.


Also, I want to thank you all for the music. It is so soothing to my heart and soul. It is like some songs know right where I am...and it is medicine to me. Thank you again.

Saturday, December 26, 2009

Sat. Dec 26

I survived. That's about as much as you can call it. I felt like I was a fake to my kids. Laughing, smiling, etc....because I just couldn't feel anything but pain and hurt.

Jeff and my Angel/Sister Sallye made the evening better when they called to see if the kids wanted to go sledding. They didn't know...but it was an answer to prayer. Isaac had been calling people all day to go sledding with him. Of course, everyone was busy. But not THEM! They picked them up and took them...for a while.....cousins and all! What a God send they are. Isaac came home and couldn't stop talking about it!!!! THAT IS EXACTLY WHAT JOHN WOULD HAVE DONE THAT VERY THING!!!!! Thank you Sally and Jeff for listening to that still small are soooooo faithful!!!!!

It was so, so, hard doing on Christmas Eve what John and I would usually do together. Putting out the Santa gifts, the stockings. Praise the Lord Matthew helped me to do that. I could not, could not have done that myself.

Christmas morning was hard. Usually I would make our tea, he set up the camera. Yesterday there was none of that. I felt so lost. While no one was up yet I called Marilyn and Jay. I just needed to talk to someone who felt as I was feeling. We didn't talk long, but it did help. Especially when Marilyn gave me the advice, "Get your cry out then go out and help the kids enjoy their Christmas.

Thanks to a ALL of you that have contributed to my children's Christmas. There were smiles from here to there. Shocked looks! I can't name them. Someday I will put some pictures I took on facebook so you can see what a difference you made in their Christmas. Thank you to each of you again, and again.

Finally, while the kids were busy with their new gifts I finally had my cry. I didn't really have a place to go with my company....but the (our) bedroom was open. I couldn't sit on the bed, but I sat on the floor at the foot of the bed. And I let it come, let it pour. Why? How? I hurt!!!!! Doesn't God know how much I hurt? Then, just carry me Jesus through this day. My mom came in, found me, and held me. But I wanted John.

After my cry the kids and I left to have Christmas with his family. It was so painful not to have him there to run our camera, to make jokes about Jason, Jonathon and Allison. He was always there for a laugh. I was even more sad when I realized that Isaac didn't have anyone to "share" his gift with. He would usually say, "Daddy, look!" There was none of that. But at the same time, I looked down and Jonathon was helping him put together a car that Hannah had gotten him. I was glad that Jonathon was there to do that.

After everyone left the "Christmas Room" I was just sitting there wishing. Marilyn came in with a gift,nicely wrapped. And said, "I wanted to wait for the right time for this." She handed me the gift and I opened it. Inside I found a beautiful silver cross. It was from Coach and Joy Brown. She had given one to Jay and Marilyn, Dawn and me. I want to tell you what it is beautiful....

Little I knew that morning,
God was going to call your name,
in life we loved you dearly,
in death we do the same.
It broke our hearts to lost you,
you did not go alone,
for part of me went with you,
the day God called you home.
You left us beautiful memories,
your love is still our guide,
and though we cannot see you,
you are always by our side.

How true. Except Isaac, each of the kids read it. I don't know their thoughts, they didn't share. But i know each felt what I did. It is true....we will link again.

When all the Williams left for their Christmas, Jay, Marilyn and me and the kids, went back to my house where my sweet sisters and mom had prepared a Christmas dinner for us. We didn't want anything special.....we just knew we needed to have a dinner for the tradition. It was a wonderful dinner.

Then guess of the kids called Jeff and Sallye and wanted to go sledding again! And guess what? They did! AGAIN....THAT IS JOHN!!! You see, it was kind of our thing...John would take the kids sledding....and I would take a bath. But he was a kid at heart and loved that stuff! I wouldn't be any fun sledding...I don't like to be cold. If I did go....the few times I did....I only went down a few times....It just isn't that fun for me.

But here comes Isaac again! In his words, "He dominated the snow!" What would I/He have down without Jeff and Sallye? I can't even think about it? I can't. It hurts to much. But, I feel like God is filling a void in Isaacs and Rach's little heart because they felt free to call and ASK Jeff and Sallye to take them. And once again....they were God's tools, his servants.

It is nice to have family here. Especially when I need a hug....there is one always waiting for me. It is fun to reminisce. Even when it hurts. I am so glad they are here. Nick and Kay couldn't make it. They live in Sapulpa and were snowed in understandably. But we missed them being here.

Matthew is doing better. Praise God. The first day he didn't come out at all. He stayed in his room and came out only when necessary. I think he even went to a friends house that evening. I didn't ask him to stay. I let him go.

Christmas day started out about the same. Except for opening gifts he stayed in his room. BUT, when we ate dinner he did come out to join us, then even sat out and talked with us for a while. A major step I thought. Then he went to movie ( this weather) with Brock. I was glad Brock was able to go with him. I think he needed out of his cubicle with a friend. Thanks Brock.

We are going to take the tree down today. We usually leave it up till New Years...but I usually do it myself. The kids are usually off playing....John would sit and hold the Hallmark boxes...tell me which one to look for, I would take it to him and he would box it for me. I giggle when I say that because he would always complain (jokingly) about it.

Well, I just feel like I need some help. So while the family is here they will help me. And it may not hurt so much.

I don't know what else today holds. I don't really care. I just take one step at a time. Kristie....I'm swimming, I'm swimming!!!!! And I actually think I have it right....I'm going in the right direction!!!!! Thanks for that silly as it is....I get it.....and I love it.

Pray for:
Matthew; God is hearing our prayers. My dad used say when I asked him how come my prayers weren't being answered for this person or that person he would say, "Saunie, it isn't God, it's the person! God has to wait on the person. He never pushes anyone to do what they aren't ready or what they don't want to do". So, pray for him. Pray that his heart would soften to God's voice. So he can hear him.

Pray for me to deal with him according to how God wants me to deal with him. For patience, understanding and a loving heart.

Pray for Isaac, as he begins to see that he CAN have fun with those that love him.

Pray for Rach, as she processes this whole thing at such a young age. That she will feel free to ask questions and search out the heart questions.

Pray for Hannah. She is so quiet.....yes I know...out and about she is the loud one. But here, yesterday...she was very quiet. Reserved....thinking hard. Pray for her peace.

Pray for me to have peace, understanding, and a loving heart, and above all WISDOM. I think of Solomon when God asked him what he wanted...he asked for Wisdom. Now I know why. Without can truly do nothing.

Pray for Jeff and Sallye...I believe God has put a big responsibility on their shoulders. I know that have taken it willingly and lovingly. But it is big. Pray for them.

Pray for safe trips back for my family. All are leaving tomorrow except for my sister Chris. But with the road so bad they all need our prayers. Thankfully they are heading North and I hear the snows gets easier as you head that way.

Pray for this day. Pray for me.....that's all I can ask.

Thanks for all the poems. I love them all. I print them and read them to the kids. We cry together.

Thanks again for reading, commenting and praying. I need it all.


Thursday, December 24, 2009

Thur Dec 24

My family arrived safely. It is good to have them here. It makes for a houseful....but its kind of nice that way.

It was nice to put my arms around my dad and he squeezed me tight. I felt the love, compassion, and the sadness from him all at once. My mom just held tight and I don't think she wanted to let go.

Then there is my brother Mitch, my comic relief. Without him I don't know if I could laugh. My sister-in-law, Shelley, whom I think can actually feel my pain. She is so sensitive.

My little sis, Debbie, we hugged, and didn't say a word. It was in the look that we gave each other. I know she knows I hurt and no words will help.

My Older sis, Chris, we have been estranged for years, over little things. Not talking to each other for years. This (sadly) has brought us together. But, she hugged me and smiled...and it felt good to hug her again.

My brother-n-law said some very helpful words, "If you get overwhelmed just tell us....we will fix it." I don't have to worry about that. I am not afraid to tell or show my feelings....I can't help it anyway!!!!

But, there is a hard part of all this. As I lay in bed thinking this morning, I thought of Christmas morning, taking pictures. And I thought....OH, there will be something....someone missing. How can we have Christmas without Him?????? He isn't here to share the laughs, he won't be in the pictures....we won't be able to share the "looks" that we would give each other when we would see the look on one of the children's faces as we realized..."yea, that was the right gift!" I don't even want to be there. I want to leave.

I don't want to put a damper on my kids Christmas, but I know I won't be able to be happy, I will just want to cry....and cry.

At the Christmas Eve Service...I don't want to go...but the kids have already planned it. I don't know how they do it......just go on. We always held hands and enjoyed it as a family. I can't feel like a family right now.

I had to ask Marilyn yesterday to buy things for my stocking. It hurt so much. Rach still believes in Santa, who fills stockings, so I had to have mine filled. Or I just wouldn't have bothered. But it hurt so bad. John and I would actually sit on the bed together on Christmas Eve and fill each others. Laughing while we did it. ...and watching..."It's a Wonderful Life". One of John's favorite Christmas movies.

It hurt so bad to ask her. I hated it. I didn't want to do it. That was John's job. On Christmas Eve day he would say to me...."Gotta go get stockings for someone!" I won't hear that today.

John always said....Christmas is for kids. That is why I am doing all I am doing....for the kids. Because I want no part of Christmas this year.

Thank you for each of you that commented. Some brought a peace regarding Matthew and I appreciate that.

Becky, I appreciate that you are making Matthew your focus of prayer. I know that is what he needs.

Denise, thank you for commenting. I know for some people it is hard to express themselves on here. Thanks for your comment, I appreciate it.

Jadean, I have put Matthew at Jesus feet. I have decided to let him be. I will be there to love him, I will try to put my arms around him, I will always try to see his side of things. I will/do love him. It is just so hard....I want to put my arms around him all the time. But he is unapproachable. Sometimes I find myself actually scared of him. But he is at Jesus feet and I see Jesus just gently rubbing his head as he cries and sobs and the tears soak Jesus' feet.

David, the stocking idea is a good idea. I think we are going to hold off on anymore new traditions. That is one I will remember for next year.

Grace, I love you. I love your comments. I love you because of how much John talked about your family. You were all so special to him. Thanks for commenting. And yes, you may use my blog....all the more prayers is my thought!!!!

Kristie...again...God does speak through you. I know it. I can see you actually saying what you write. That is what makes your comments special to me. You have such a great outlook on life. And what you said today is so true. It may be just me, or Rach and me, that go to counseling. But, as we heal, maybe we can help the other heal also. I love your comments....

Deb...Kristie's friend....thank you for your thoughts and prayers. Thank you that you don't know me, but you have the heart of God to pray and contact me. You are a blessing.

Well, I don't know how today may go. It is in God's hands. Please pray

That Matthew will accept my family being here. He told Marilyn that he didn't want anyone here. Isaac the same. But, I need them. I need them here. I will do all I can to make it easy for Matthew and Isaac. But, just pray that it be easy for them. My family knows this and they are letting them have their space.

That the Christmas Eve service will bring me peace.

That I will leave Matthew at Jesus' feet. And I think I need to put Isaac there also.

Patience with all my kids.

That God will continue to reveal that he IS here with me. That he is carrying me. That I don't feel so alone.

Peace...I want peace.

That I don't put a damper on the kids Christmas.

that the kids will understand my pain....and let me cry...(Matthew told me to stop...I cried too much)


Thanks again for reading. Thanks for commenting. Thanks for praying. Thanks for all you do.
I love you all.....

Wednesday, December 23, 2009

Tues, Dec 22

Wow! That is all I can say. Your comments surely were God given to you. Debbie, your prayer was wonderful. Can't wait to put my arms around you...and maybe hear one of those prayers in person.

Everyone....and I do mean everyone of the comments spoke to me in some way. Thank you, thank you for caring....and reading.

Yesterday really wasn't bad. I took the girls and dropped them at the mall. I had some to do some stocking stuffing shopping at Target. It was lonely. I was alone. But I knew I had to do it. I would see couples discussing, or arguing over a gift...or something. And I would either giggle (John and I did that often) or drop a tear because I missed it.

We had dinner at Marilyns. I couldn't eat much. We had that appointment with the grief therapist at 7 and my stomach was in knots. Only because when I left the house I went into Matthews room and told him that we were going to dinner at grams, and he said he had other plans. That was fine. I understood. We hadn't even discussed dinner. But then when I said that we had that appointment, I could see the anger in his eyes, on his face. He asked, "If he had to go." I told him he didn't but I would like him to and I reminded him of what he said to Isaac when we first discussed therapy. "It won't hurt it could help us!" Well we left. I didn't know if he would come or not...I didn't expect him to.

He did. But he sat with a very angry look on his face. Going from the therapist (Eva) to me. Very angry...almost hateful. She is very sweet. Very soft spoken. Gave hugs to each child as they came in. Since this was our first time...she said she just wanted to touch base before Christmas. To see how we were doing with Christmas. All of the kids were quiet. Rach told how we would make them wait til daddy got the video camera up and then we allowed the kids to enter the room from youngest to oldest. Isaac said he remembered how we hung the stocking, boy, girl, boy girl with daddy being first. Hannah and Matthew chose not to share.

Then she asked if any of us had any dreams about daddy. Rach had one where he was in some movie. We giggled at that. But the one where I just broke down was Hannahs. She said, "I had a dream that I was at next years state cross country meet and as I ran through the finish line in first place daddy was there waiting for me." She just sobbed. I know that is where she hurts the most because he was her coach, her cheerleader, her dad, her mentor. She has lost him and doesn't know how to deal with not seeing him out there on the course...or in the stands.

Eva then explained to us that it is a good thing for us to journal....not like this...but to God. She spoke about how David did that in the Psalms. Sometimes he yelled, sometimes he cried, sometimes just sang and talked. But, he knew God heard him.

She advised that we do that. Then, that is where Matthew embarrassed me. She asked all of us if we cold do that. We all agreed. Matthew didn't. She specifically asked him if he would. He asked what the difference was between writing it down and praying. She explained that to him. He then said, "Do you do it?" She said she had and had been doing it since the death of her husband (16 years ago. She is now a certified therapist) He said, "Well, what is good for some may not be good for others". She told him that that was true, but that is what she found helpful to her.

She prayed with us and then Matthew and Hannah left. I stayed back and apologized for Matthews behavior. He had an attitude the minute he walked through the door. But she said she understood. She said, he is grieving....we just need to pray for him.

I got a text a few minutes later from Matthew that he said he couldn't go to her. I went to Jay and Marilyns. I felt all hope was gone. I can't hold this family together. I felt like everyone was going their own way....Matthew, Hannah, even Isaac said he wouldn't go back. Jay, Marilyn and I cried together. I was very honest when I said, I just want to give up. I can't do this.

It is one thing to have to deal with Johns death. But to have to deal with Matthew....I can't. It is too much. It is just too much.

My mind is boggled again. I can't pray. I try to read......but all I can think about is how am I going to be a mom to this family that doesn't want to work together to heal. We are all going our own ways.

Marilyn keeps begging me to lay Matthew at the feet of Jesus. It is so hard when I know he is hurting and he won't let me help. He hasn't hugged me once since the service. OH, how I want him to hug me. Eva shared last night that at her low point, after the death of her husband, she was crying and her 17 year old came in and asked her what he could do to help. I said to her, and Marilyn later..."OH, how I would love for one of the my kids to come and put their arms around me and ask I'm doing, or how can they help? But Matthew seems too angry, Hannah is too busy with her friends, Isaac does hug some, Rachel is my hugger. But, and I don't know if any of you understand this but, if I just felt like Matthew had some feelings....any feelings.....but he seems cold and uncaring. Like my sister said, he has built a wall around his heart....around him. I love him so much...if he only knew how much I would love a hug from him.....

I went to bed miserable last night. Not really knowing where he was. But, just wanting to love him and knowing I couldn't.

I hate to face today. Just not knowing what I face with him makes me weary and I just want to cover my head and hide. Let this all pass. Let it all go But I can' pray for me.

Pray for Matthew. That God would somehow soften his heart. That someone would come into his life that he could open up to. He won't go back to Eva.

Pray for Hannah. That the pain she feels, the worries on her shoulders would be lifted during this Christmas.

Pray for Isaac. That as he looks at the stockings, he won't miss daddy's.

Pray for Rachel. She hold tight to me. She cries with me. But I don't want that to hurt her. I pray that as she sees me experiencing the pain, the tears...that God would use it for His good and only to help her.

Pray for My relationship with Matthew. That I will have wisdom when to talk and when not to talk. To act and when not to act. To not be afraid to love him, even when he won't love me back.

Pray for an angel for each of my children. Someone that will fill that gap that has so brutally been made by the loss of John.


Pray for traveling mercies for my family. My brother left early yesterday to try to beat the storm. Pray for his safety. The rest, from Illinois left early this morning. Pray for them.

Pray that I can get through Christmas. I told Eva I want it to go away. But I know it can't. If I didn't have the would for me.

Oh God help us, help me. I need you to carry me.

Tuesday, December 22, 2009

Mon, Dec 21

Well here it is another day. Ever wake up and think....well here we go again...that was my first thought. Will I make it? What does today hold? How does it hold?

God came in a special way to my kids yesterday. You all know that that is my only concern. I will handle anything for them. They are my concern. But, (at the moment I can't remember their names) but a couple,whose husband works with the FBI here in OKC brought some gifts for my kids. They were so happy.

I hope I mentioned that a few days ago that a family that asked to be anonymous also brought gifts for my kids.

I am so grateful for them. I couldn't shop. Not without John. He and I always went together. I just didn't want to shop for the kids. God did the shopping for me through these Saints who listened to his voice.

I went to the mall for just a short time for a return with Marilyn yesterday. It was good to get out. But my kids were so on my mind. I couldn't wait to see them.

Remember they went to the children's hospital to meet Bob Stupes (sp) and some of the football team. Isaac took a hat and a football to sign, and Rachel took a little bag to sign. I kept texting and calling to see how things were going. They were having the time of their lives. I prayed that if just for a minute they would forget the pain.

When they got home Isaac gave the hat to Matthew. Matthew accepted it with no fanfare,no broke my heart. Later, Isaac told me how much fun he had. But he said, "I would have had so much fun with daddy. He would have loved it and laughed with me". My heart broke. Those are the times I ask again....why not just me.....why the kids too???????

Rachel, I should mention had a great time as well. I guess the team put on a funny fashion show and she loved it. If you want to see pictures log onto Allisons Williams facebook. She has the pics on there.

But, while I was at the mall I kept finding myself seeing things and actually looking at things that in my mind I would say "OH! John would love that!" And then I would remember....I don't have him to buy for! Then Sallye and Jeff make me laugh....I remember how they would make John laugh too, he loved their sense of much like his. But as they make a joke or do something funny, I think..."Oh, wait till John hears this...." then I remember...I don't have him to share it with. It's those things that bring the raw pain back...and I want him back.

Chris, Thanks for the story of Mary. I am reading a book by Anne Graham Lotz. I finished it last night and I am onto my next. But she mentions that also. Not to ask "Why" but "Why not me". What glory can come of this? Something good has to come of this. "Lord, how can I glorify you in this?" Mary didn't hesitate. She went on. While she endured embarrassment etc...I endure pain.....but she did...because she knew her Father.....and she knew that whatever HE did would end in good and for HIS GLORY. I feel like I have a long road to walk, but I am now I want see what good, for my kids and for me, HE has in store for us and for HIM. I just have to keep my eyes on that theory. That is the hard part..especially when my kids hurt so badly.

I appreciate your story of John. I can see him doing that. He was a man of many talents. I remember one man asking his wife (and I'm sorry I can't remember who it was) "Is there anything he can't do". I can answer that. No. He would find away to do whatever needed to be down. Especially when it came to the kids.

He thought so much of Jimmy. I am glad that in the last months he and Jimmy were able to get together and get to know each other again. He loved Jimmy as a brother....always.

Thanks so much for commenting and reading my blog. I want so much to reach out to the rest of the family up there in Michigan. But I just can't yet. Please, send my love....let them know that I in no way have forgotten them. I love them...each one of them. But I feel like I can only do one thing at a time. You know I thought the world of your mom...I am not sure I could get one word out of my mouth to talk to her without crying...and she couldn't understand what I was saying anyway. But, please let them know I love them. And one day I will call and I will talk....and I will tell the story. Thanks so much for reading.

I haven't forgotten my little buddy. The time just hasn't been right. We will have him come sometime in these next few weeks. We are having family...but I know from experience that he would fit right in.....I love him...I love you all.

I love that song by Ray Boltz. I know I have asked for a lot of music. But I am trying to surround myself with HIS truth. If you can get your hands on that music...I would love to have it. You are so right.....that is John through and through.

My prayer request:
Matthew, God, work a miracle in his his life. I need him to be my helper.
We may be seeing a therapist tonight. Pray for wisdom from her and openess from the kids....AND that Matthew will go.
Safety for my family
Jay, Marilyn, Dawn and Family
A special someone for each of my kids to fill the hole that was left when John left us. Especially Isaac. He wants Matthew to do things with him so much, but he just won't. Help him to find a PAL with someone to help the pain go away. He seems so lost without John. My heart breaks for him.

Thank you. Thank you again for all you do for me with each of your comments. For all you have done for my kids.....for all your prayers.

Monday, December 21, 2009

Mon Dec 20

Yesterday was a quiet day. Nothing new....same ol' pain. Did make more plans for my family that is coming.

I was reading Anne Graham Lotz (Billy Graham's daughters) book "WHY" this morning and I came across this:

"The time when you and I can't trace His hand of purpose, we must trust His heart of love!"

I had two feelings as I read this....WHY? Why must I go through this, why must my kids go through this?

Then I realized I am asking WHY because "I can't trace his hand". So I must trust his love. At this point I don't know how to trust him anymore. I feel lost on this spiritual journey I am on. of my first blogs I shared that someone had once told me that everyone of God's children must go through the desert/wilderness at sometime in the Christian journey. I believe I am there. But I also remember in that story that God led them by a cloud by day and the fire/moon by night. Well, I don't see anything right now. How is he leading me? I really don't know what I am suppose to do next to get through this. For me or the kids. I am lost in this wilderness.

Today is a busy one....thank goodness....The kids are going with Jessica and Jonathan to the Children's Hospital where they take Emma for treatment to meet some of the OU football team and Bob Stoops. He brings some of this team to the children's cancer center to meet with some of the patients. Isaac and Rach and getting to go with them. They are excited.

Tonight, Bill Bumpus asked Isaac to help be a ball boy at the All College Basketball something or other...he is excited about that. Jason, Jonathon will be going with him.

Today I guess I can say I feel numb. I can't cry, I can't rest. I just feel numb. Pray for me.

My prayer requests:
That God will bring a special person into each of my kids life to fill the hold that is left. I feel for know. He is so lost without John.

Christmas....that I can make it without putting a damper on my children's Christmas

Matthew, that God will be with him and begin to work in his heart. He wouldn't even get up to go to church with me yesterday. That was our family thing! It hurt so much.

That God grant me wisdom in daily decisions, words, actions....just that my life would be so directed by him.

Traveling mercy for my family

Patience with my children.


Thank you to Molli, Cooper, Tanner and Trey and the Spindles for making a tribute to John at their church Sunday night. It really touched my heart.

Thanks, to all of you. One day I will get those Thank Yous out. But, thanks for reading, and commenting...each one has something that I carry with me for that day. For that one day...or that one step I take. Thank you.


Sunday, December 20, 2009

God's Day, Dec 20

This the shower....
Jesus, Jesus, Jesus there's just something about that name,
Jesus, Jesus, Jesus, Let all Heaven and Earth proclaim,
Kings and Kingdoms will all pass away,

That song kept coming to me. JESUS! JESUS! All I have to do is call JESUS! I call HIM today.
I don't know what today may hold for us, but I want JESUS, I need JESUS to carry me.

Rach made a great breakthrough this weekend. She went to a birthday herself. She didn't want to stay overnight....understood, so she was home by 9. But she talked non stop about her fun time there. Mr. must be something....she talked about as if she was talking about her daddy. How funny you were, the things you said and did. Thank you Mr. and Mrs. Spindle for bring joy to Rachel.

Isaac had a little harder time. He is just trying to find someone to fill that hole. Matthew, bless his heart is dealing with his own grief. I can't ask him to fill Isaac's hole. But, Isaac needs someone to stand in the gap. He is so alone, so lonely. I was doing laundry last night, Matthew was in his room and Isaac actually came and asked me who he could play with. Please pray that someone be there for him.

Hannah seems to be doing well. I really think her friends are keeping her head above the water that is raging. I remember one time John and I were talking to her about spending more time with the family because she was spending so much time with her friends. Her comment to us , "But they are so much fun to be with!" I don't know what that says about us....but they make her happy now. Maybe it lessens the pain for now.

Matthew is still angry. I asked him to take Isaac for a haircut yesterday and he just plainly said "NO". I knew not to push. Jason, God bless him, took him for me. Hey, he is one handsome dude! But, it hurt Isaac. He kept asking me why Matthew didn't want to take him. I just told him he was having a bad day. But, pray for Matthew.

Yesterday...afternoon...morning wasn't good, but yesterday afternoon Sallye took me out to buy the Griffis/Williams Christmas gifts. Sallye knew I may not make it....but I knew she would do what ever it took. Well, I made it. It was the best afternoon I have had yet. We laughed till our stomachs hurt. There were times when memories of places or things or things John and I had been, seen, talked about would arise and I would begin to hurt, but then something would take my mind away.

I imagined that that is how it will be one day. I will have good days, then memories will come....and they will go...and I will be able to go on.

Anna, thanks for your comment about John. He had a way with kids. That was his calling. I am so glad that you enjoyed him as a teacher and a friend.

Tara, Thanks for reading. Thanks for being Hannah's friend. I know John used to give you such a hard time. But he would laugh as I would get after him and he would say..."Ah, she can take it". He did love you. As he really did love all of Hannah's friends. He did think of you each of you as an extension of our family. You were all special to him. You are still special to me. My prayer is that you take something that he taught you....something you learned from him...his kindness, his love....and you pass it on to someone else. Pass on his compassion. He had so much.

Again, thank you to all of you for all you have done. I really am trying to get out the thank yous. There will be a message in the Bethany Tribune next week that I want each of you to read. I just can't thank you enough.

My Prayer requests:
That the songs that I listen to will strengthen my faith
That Rach will continue to open up as God would have her to heal
That Isaac will find that person to fill his "John" hole. A buddy, a pal....
That Hannah continue to heal in a healthy way
That God would touch Matthew's heart, mind and soul...that he would find a friend to feel comfortable to pour his soul out to
That Johns life will continue to touch others and change them for the better
My Family comes in Wednesday...pray for their safety
That I will find peace and comfort in the words I read and the music I hear.
That God would send and "ANGEL" to each of my kids. As he did for me with Sallye.
That God would be with Jay and Marilyn, Dawn and the rest of us......they hurt too.
Wisdom in raising, making decisions for my children, for our future.
Church is always hard for us....but I know I need to keep the kids going no matter how I feel. Pray that something will touch each of us today. Pray it will be easier every Sunday.

Thanks for reading...please keep letting me know. amaze me....except for when your computer was comment everyday. I look forward to hearing from you...even if its a sentence. You are always encouraging to me. Thank you.


Saturday, December 19, 2009

Dec 19.....again..I know I posted once today...but had to add this

I just is December 19. One month since my wonderful husband, and the children's loving father went to meet his Lord and Saviour. I have to imagine he is holding his hands up in Praise to the ONE he served and pleased here on this earth. Standing in awe. Praising and magnifying his name.

Say a Praise with John and me today. For a God that LOVES, FORGIVES, HEALS, WHOSE LOVE HAS NO BOUNDARIES.


Sat Dec 19

Eric, thank you for your thoughtfulness. God has used you in so many unexpected ways. Debbie, your offer was so sweet. I will get with you today...somehow. Hearing your voice put a ray of hope in my heart. You just have such a joyful spirit. I pray that God bless you and your families this Christmas.

Yesterday was another hard day for me. I can't place my finger on why it was so hard. It was just full of tears. As Grace put rained all day.

I awoke with a panic. Had to take some med just to calm me. Isaac went to take his first test. I found out later he passed it! An answer to prayer. He also passed his Science which was the one that I just didn't think we would get a "D" on. It was a high C....we are happy.

Since my kids have been in Mrs. Troyers 3rd class we have bought her some kind of snow globe. Well, I had forgotten. So Rach and I ran to Hobby Lobby and picked one up. From there we picked up Jay and went to the Superintendents office for their little Christmas get together they do for the staff. That was so hard. Seeing John's co-workers, knowing that they are missing him also. I know that I didnt stay long. I apologize...I just couldn't. We took the globe to Mrs Troyer, and as usual she loved it, loved Rach and loved me. If you ever need a hug, love or friend...Mrs. Troyer.

We left the Super's office, Jay also, Rach and I headed to the Middle School to pick up Isaac. As we were driving to the school some christian music was playing and Rachel said, "Mommy, I remember a time when Daddy and I were in the car together, and you know that song where it talks about the little girl and daddy, and how they dance....and then the song says that the guy hopes that she will never be too big to dance with her daddy and her wedding?" I said yes. She said,"Well, one time daddy and I were listening to that song and daddy said, "that's a sad song" and I asked "Why" and he said, "Because I hope you and Hannah are never too big to dance with me at your wedding". She said, "I hugged him and said, "Don't worry Daddy, I will never be too old or too big to dance with you at my wedding." We both broke down at that time. I mean she sobbed, for the first time, sobbed. We held each other in the car, in the parking lot. I didn't have words. I just prayed. Then, I told her how I had put out prayer requests for each of them, that God would send someone who could fill that hole that was left. That I knew, and she knows, that no one can fill daddy's place, but someone God knows that will be able to do with you all those things that daddy did with and for her. I told her that he would send someone to be very special to her on her wedding day. I prayed with her that God would close that hole, that He would send someone to be close to, to do those things that she loved to do with daddy. She just couldn't stop crying. It was her time.

Hannah and Matthew are left. I don't believe they have come to that point. I don't see it far away for Hannah. Though she seems to keep herself busy with her friends. Matthew...the way he is handling it is so different. I don't know how it will play out for him. I worry about him. He seems so angry....all the time....its in his eyes, the anger I mean. Its in his words.

Thank you to the very special family that brought gifts to my family on Thursday. I know you had your family Christmas last night. I know what you adults gave up for my family. I hope you were somehow blessed by your giving last night. I hope you enjoyed your Christmas. And thank you for giving so that my family could have. That is so Christlike.

The Middle School took up a collection and got Rach and Isaac mini computers. They were so excited. Thank you to each of you that gave. EACH of you. I wish I could hug each one and let you know how much I appreciate what you have done.

Today....if I can bring myself to do it, I am going to go stocking shopping with Sallye. I just have a hard time with that. But she offered to help last night.....we will see.

Thankfully, I don't have to do grocery shopping today. Since I can go any day next week. But thanks for being there and available Janeane. I know you were waiting. I will take you up on it some other Saturday.

Roger....I can't say enough. I don't know if you are even reading this blog. But you held a very special place in John's heart. I wish you were here so I could tell you how much he thought of you. Thank you for thinking of my kids....of us. Thank you, thank you again.

Also, I had a houseful of God send men that came to do some work in my make it more comfortable for my family. Thank you for giving your time and all that labor. I hope the blessing is returned to you and your families one day.

Prayer requests:
For God to bring that special someone into each of my kids lives
For my children's hearts to heal, mend
That we would find some Christian grief counseling where we could attend TOGETHER
My family as they travel from Illinois and Colorado
Peace, peace, peace
Wisdom for all the decisions I have to make
Strength for
Strength for my kids
A special prayer for Matthew...his anger, his hurt...
Wisdom in how I can help him
Just, pray that God would be there to meet my/our need before we know we need it

Thank you for reading. When you respond, when I see you and you tell me that you have read tells me that you care. And, I need to know that.

I love you,

Friday, December 18, 2009

Dec 17...Friday

Well, I made it another day. I can't believe it.

Yesterday was hard. It just seemed John was everywhere. My kids seemed to have a harder day than usual yesterday. But I do and am Praising God that they are passing their tests. Isaac and Rachel both have a Science test that we are all fretting about. They seemed so hard to even study for. Isaac almost in tears as we tried to understand what seemed so foreign to both of us.

Rachel found a little plastic poker chip that John and I brought back from our last Anniversary trip away. It was from a christian book store that on the chip it said something like Christ took the cross for us. She brought it to me in tears. We cried for a bit, then I told her that it was something that she could put in her scrap book. She came to me a few days ago and told me she wanted to make a scrapbook of just she and her daddy. So I told her that ever single thing she finds from her daddy, or picture or whatever she could put in that scrapbook and it would be the most beautiful scrapbook ever!

While we stood and cried the song playing on her player in her bedroom was "I can Only Imagine". I told her to listen closely and then I told her that I imagined daddy standing there with his arms outstretched and just wanting to hold Jesus. She smiled. Then she said, I keep wondering why it couldn't be ********daddy, or ******daddy. Why my daddy? And then she said, "Then I thought, what if something was going to cause daddy great pain and God is keeping him from it?" Then he is protecting daddy by taking him to Heaven now." I couldn't help remembering those were Isaac's very words yesterday as I held him. I just feel like God is helping them deal with this pain...he know how to help them. And I believe he is.

Matthew still seems so angry. I just can't hardly be in the same room with him. He just complains or cuts down anything I say or do. It hurts so much. Yesterday I gave him what I thought was good news. Sat beside him on the couch as I told him. It did involve saying John's name and bringing up the past with John. So yes, I was crying. After I told him, with no expression on his face...I mean none, he just stared at me. I asked him if it made him happy. He said it did, but he didn't understand why I was crying. I told him that I learned a long time ago to not hold my tears in...that it was my release. He said, "Well, I wish you would just stop crying." It broke my heart. All I said was, "I am sorry, I am who I am". and i left him there on the couch. That was pretty much the last we spoke with the exception of have tos.

I am really missing John in so many ways today...yesterday. Everyone says it is part of grieving. Im ready to move onto the next part then. Marilyn contacted Calm Waters for me. There are a lot of down sides to it. The parent and children are separated into age appropriate groups. I am not sure that is what we need at this point. I WANT TO BE WITH THEM. And Matthew is all for going....Praise God...but they don't take anyone over 18. If anyone has a suggestion...I am open to it. And I want it to be a christian facility. My psychiatrist and Matthew's suggested we get to one immediately.

Also, most of you may know that my sweet family will start coming in for Christmas. The blessed Dorris' and Cox's have offered their homes and I so appreciate it. But on Christmas day none of us really want to cook. We are looking for a place where you can order a meal for like 20 people and then all we have to do is pick it up. One year we did this and it was from Albertsons....well they aren't here anymore. If anyone knows of a place that will do this please let me know.

My prayer requests are
Isaac and Rachel with their Science Tests....and Isaac also has a History
Our pain
Our Christmas
Jay and Marilyn, Dawn and they are hurting so much also.
Hannah at her game tonight
A GOD SENT PAL for each of my children
Peace....for all of us

Thanks for all your words, cards, music, etc...I can go on and on...thank you. You have blessed me so much! YOU have and are helping GOD carry me.

I love you all,

Thursday, December 17, 2009

Thurs dec 16

Well, I lived through yesterday....and I will today.

Let me first say....most everyone of you said you didn't understand what I was going through. That somehow touched me. I don't know why exactly....I guess just knowing that you trust God to help me...though you don't know my pain. That you are beside me....and won't leave me.....yet you don't know how deep the pain is. That probably makes no sense to you...but somehow it felt good to hear.

I believe....I believe even yesterday....deep, deep in my heart I know God is carrying me. So God forgive me, and each of you forgive me....for saying the things I did, for doubting the God who has literally carried me this far. Forgive me. But thank you for being so understanding. I am just soooooo angry. And I'm not even sure who I should be mad at.

I appreciate each and every comment...and I also appreciate the fact that though I said some pretty awful LOVE me...still.....and you prayed.

I am hurting worse than the very beginning. Reality is sitting in and I don't want to face it. I know I can't do it alone. I know HE will have to carry me through...but OH! the pain.

Last night Isaac and I had a blow up. I said some pretty hurtful things...he in return. But in the end we sat in his little "place" and I held him and we cried together. All I could think about was how was I going to replace John in his life. His buddy, his partner. I told my mom this morning...I don't care what I have to go through...the pain, hurt...but I do not want my kids to have to deal with it.

I worry so much. John was so involved with each of the kids in their sport, in their lives. I don't know how to do that. I shared that with Isaac. I asked him if he ever asked God why? He said he had. I said, And what do you feel like he is saying to you? He said, "That maybe there was going to be some real pain, or sickness for daddy and he didn't want daddy to feel that pain".

We held each other for a long time and cried. I didn't have answers to his questions or his tears.

We finally went on with what needed to be done....for bed. But I couldn't get passed my thoughts of my kids without their daddy. So I called my sis in law..Kay. As I shared the evenings events she shared this. That we should pray that some come into each of the children's lives that can do what John did with them. Not take his place....we know no one can ever do that...but who can just suddenly have the urge to play catch football with Isaac, or take him to the gym and play one on one....or take him to the golf course to play a round, or just hit balls .......or watch games of t.v., watch golf matches......or just take time for my baby.

For night. Daddy would take her to Braums for a banana split. And they would just talk. And joke....they loved joking with one another.

For Hannah, it was a date night...the same....a banana split...talking. But I remember the first thing she said after John passed and we were crying she said, "Who is going to be there at the half way mark at my cross country meets to tell me how far, how fast, what I needed to cheer me on?" Who is going to push me this summer like he was? Who????????

For Matthew, it was just a quiet talk at times, a trip to backwoods, to "just look around", or go hit golf balls, play a round, go to the golf stores to look around, or watch the golf tournaments......or share golf stories with.

Yes, some of these things I can and will do....but I am not at athlete. So my prayer request is that:
That God would pick ONE person who will be to my children what John was to them. Who can do those things with them. Who can stand in the gap for John. Not fill his shoes....even my kids know that. But there is a gap that needs to be filled and God is the only one that can fill that gap for them.

Pray that my kids will be responsive to these people.
Pray for our hearts as they continue to break and hurt.
Pray for us here at home...where we can be ourselves and sometimes it isn't the best outcome.
Pray that we have patience for one another.
My family is coming in for Christmas. Pray for their travel.
Pray that I find a way to face EACH day.

Ami, I so appreciated that song. I want it. I want to play it. If anyone out there knows where I can get it...I would love to find it. That last verse is my prayer.

Thank you for the Casting Crowns cd. I don't have a cd player in the house....but I have one in the car. And there isn't a time I don't get in the car and listen to that cd. I also had a special friend make a cd for me. I play them over and over. That is all I want to fill my mind with....his words...and positive thoughts and words.

Thanks again for all you do, all you say. I can't thank you enough.

Pray. Pray. Pray.

Also...all my kids are taking their finals today and tomorrow...pray that God would just grant them wisdom.

Also, I found out last night that Matthew has a lot more work to do before they will release him from OWU. So pray that he gets it completed in the time they have requested and that he too will have wisdom to complete it.

Pray for those that taking care of things for me...finances, insurance...budget...etc...pray for their wisdom.

I love you all...everyone of you...and look forward to hearing from each of you...yes...even those that I don't know. Thank you.

Wednesday, December 16, 2009

Dec 16...

Sorry it has been too long.....for me also! Blogging really does me good. I am good now thanks to Mr Cox...the company I mean.

Yesterday I woke and was through. Matthew and I aren't getting along....Isaac....well Isaac. I paced for a while, wanting to scream, cry, yell....and then I text my Angel Sallye. I told her I was finished. I couldn't do it anymore. I don't want to do it anymore.

She IMMEDIATELY text me back and told me that she was on her knees praying for me right then.

She called me about 30 minutes later and she told me to just let God carry me through the day. This day. That was all I had to worry about. Well, that is how I am going to live day at a time....but I don't believe God carries me anymore.

The day was busy. I was soooooo tired at the end. But Hannah had a bb game in Bridge Creek. Her first come back. We wouldn't miss it. Though she told us not to come....that she wouldn't play, that she forgot the plays, etc....But I told her I was coming. Boy am I glad I did. She started, and not only that....made a 3 pointer!!!! After her game I went over and told her how proud her daddy would be of her....what I was thinking also, she said, "But why can't he be here?"

I can't stand it. I can't. Everyone says he is only a God of good. How can any of this be good. I listened to song yesterday it said, to praise him in the storm! Praise him? How can I praise him when I hurt so deeply, when my kids are hurting so deeply, when the rug has been pulled out from under us in such an awful way. How? How?

I have asked these questions over and over...and I get no answer, or I get the same one "We will see down the road how this is good". I would never say this to my kids....but I don't see how. I really am through believing that.

If it weren't for the kids I would quit...give up. I don't want to do this. I don't want to be a single mom, I don't want to go on without my John, I don't want to be alone.......I don't want to do everything he did for me. I want to feel his arms around me, I want to feel his lips on mine, I want to hear him laugh, I want to see him laugh. I want to ride bikes with him. I want to go to Panera Bread. I don't want to see things that remind me of him....because it just hurts more.

How could a God...a so called loving God do this.

Oh, I see times when good things happen...I think I have come to believe it is coincidence and good people. Because right now...the only God I one that has failed me and my kids miserably.

I am sorry if I upset some of you. But this is how I feel this morning. I can't have four precious children that John gave me.....and I promised John that I would always take care of them, and raise them as if he were by my side. But, I can't praise a God that leaves me like this. I can't. I just feel like I am living and breathing to take care of my kids, and make it through one more day. Thats and breathing...and taking care of the kids. I am just numb. I feel nothing...nothing but pain, and the tears roll.

Prayer requests? Really...I don't think its worth your time or mine.


Monday, December 14, 2009

Monday 13,....or is it the 14th already????

Sorry I have not been on. Stupid computer of mine. I am using Matthew's laptop which he isn't happy about! But I couldn't stand it anymore....I was about to explode!!!

Saturday turned out to be pretty good. Sandy and I went to the grocery store. I made it! But have you ever went to the store, come home and looked at what you bought and thought "I didn't buy one worthwhile thing". That is kind of what I felt like. I felt like I just went through the store in a daze. But I appreciate Sandy going with me. We kept a conversation going and I think that kept my mind busy. At least I got the Mac and Cheese that Isaac asked for, the frozen pizzas Rach asked for and the hamburgers Matthew asked for!

We went to visit Jay that afternoon....was glad that God found favor in touching him, and giving the doctors wisdom. He is home and well.

Alll but Matthew, and all of Dawn's family went over and decorated their Christmas tree with them. We wanted to help them get that done. Then Marilyn, such a strong woman, bought a little planted Christmas tree to take to the cemetery. We tied red bows to it and planned to take it to the cemetery Sunday.

Upon talking with the kids, Matthew said he wanted nothing to do with it. Isaac said he didn't want to do it. Rach and Hannah and I were planning to do it. Till Sunday. Then I just couldn't bring myself to do itl. When I backed out, Rach and Hannah did as well. Grandma certainly understood. They took it to John themselves. I am sure he is smiling. I am sure it is beautiful. After the season is over, we hope to bring in home and plant it in our yard.

Sunday mornings message really spoke to me. I do mean more to God than the birds of the air. My kids mean more to him than the birds of the air. He has even given me guardian angels to guard over me ....the Siems, the Longs, Rick Martin, and Dave O"Bannon. My church family, the teachers at school, and I could go on and on. He has done his part...I have to do mine. Pray that I will do that....that I will rest in his arms that wait under me.

Richard...I want to thank you for the letter and prayer you brought to me Saturday. It was timed so right. I love prayer and read it to the kids during devotions. WOW! It is my prayer......everyday. Thank you for being so God led in doing that.

Sunday night was hard for me. All the kids were gone. I ended up at Jay and Marilyns. I am just not ready to be here alone. It has John in every corner, in that stupid recliner that He and I were sit in together....or he would snooze and I would just look at him in love. He's in the kitchen fixing me a cup of tea. He's in the shower singing or talking to one of the kids that are standing outside the shower just sharing something. He is outside working on something that needs to be done. He is everywhere. I don't really want to be in this house anymore people. I will just put it out there. It is not my house, it is our house.....the house he and I built....the house we chose everything for.....he even decorated! He is gone...shouldn't this be gone too???? I know you read this and think what does she mean. You can't understand...know one ever will.

We all came home around the same time except Matthew, and had devotions. They were good devotions.

When Matthew did get home I talked to all of them about grief counseling. Everyone was in agreement, except Isaac. He said, "If I am not telling you things I feel, I am not going to tell him." I told him that I was now the head of the household and that I would do anything I felt I needed to do that was best for us. I would also do those things I know God would want me to do.....and those things that I feel daddy and I would agree on. He still is rebelling about it. But I told him we wouldn't do anything until after Christmas anyway. I will face that battle then.

I am feeling a big tear in my heart today. I am having trouble with Matthew. Just teenage things. But like I told him last night.....I don't have any fight in what you want". I just can't fight the battle. I can't.
Today we are back to school. The kids will begin studying for Semester tests. Certainly not looking forward to that.

Prayer requests:
I am signing up for cox today to help me with my computer problems. AT&T has been messing with me. Pray that all goes well and they give us a good deal.

That I will relinquish my worries and cares to God, and to those that he has placed in my path.

That Isaac will continue to heal in whatever way God can heal him.. That he will begin to accept the idea of counseling.

That the kids will know the things they need to for their tests. That they will do well, so their grade can help the time that they have missed.

That Matthew and i will see eye to eye, that I would gain wisdom in how to deal with him/ and he with me. I don't want to make the wrong choice....I want to do what I think John would want me to do in raising him. But, was always the harsh pray that I would see things through God's eyes.

BTW....Janet....what a tribute that was to John that you wrote to me. He always told me stories about the lunch room antics. About his stories to you. But he was such a personal guy, I didn't realize how he reflected his personal life at school. I am glad that he was happy and shared that happiness with you all. He truly loved being there with you all. Thanks for sharing that with me. It did make me smile!!!!

I don't want to forget the two ladies and a daughter that took Rach shopping yesterday for her siblings. She was so excited. Thanks for getting her out of the house and making it possible for her to do that. She does love shopping for them. Thank you, thank you. God will bless you!!!!!

Saturday, December 12, 2009

Dec11, Sat

Just when you think things couldn't be worse.....of course they do...I am sure by now you have heard about Jay. Thank God, Thank God, he saw fit to keep him here for us longer. How selfish is that?

Isaac was there (again) when this happened to Jay. As Isaac hugged me, he asked me why he was always there when bad things happened? Please pray for him. He is hurting so bad. He kept asking all day Grandpa alive. He had to go see him one more time before we left the hospital to go back to school, He said later...I just wanted to make sure he was alive. I know he knows we kept some things from him with John....I know he is wondering why he is going through this....The poor little guy has seen so much of this lately...I don't know what to do for him.

All the kids are mostly caught up on school...Praise God. Now we need to pray....I mean really pray...for their semester tests next week. I am already starting to me pray that God give them wisdom.

I want to thank the Day family that has volunteered to take the tree down for us. YOU are a God send. I was so worried about Matthew and Mark getting up there. When Matthew told me that you had come by and looked at it and said you would take care of it....I was so grateful and relieved. And you know....I sensed that even Matthew saw it as an answer to prayer. Thank you for allowing God to use you.

I had the opportunity to see the middle school get their "G" shirt picture taken yesterday. I stood and cried as I was amazed at the kids, teachers, everyone that cared enough to wear a shirt that honored John. Thank you kids, and everyone to care that much. God Bless You.

I was so unsure of going to the H.S. game last night. But Dawn and I made a pact of some sort that "if you go, I'll go". We knew we couldn't stay would be too much. But we did it. Again, we were amazed at the ones that love John.

When Sallye asked me if there was anything I wanted said, I knew right away what it would be. To honor John and to honor God...whom John emulated in all his actions. As I sat at the computer to write those words....I didn't have to think at all, my fingers just moved. I believe it was what was to be said for that moment. I want God to be glorified in this tragedy. I want John to be remembered as "a man who lived life as God intended it to be lived." I want people to go out and live, and reach out, and long to touch a life and make a difference as John did. I don't know if that is what was understood, but I believe each will hear what God wanted them to hear last night.

Last night was a little hard on me. Hannah had a birthday party to go to....stay all night....and Isaac stayed with Brady. I would never keep them from doing the things they want to do, but I was so afraid of staying there...just me and Rach....(Matthew would be with Friends until later). I thought about going to stay with Marilyn, but I kept remembering the words of my friends..."There are always going to be firsts". So I cheated a little and asked Rach which she would rather do. And bless her heart she said, "Well, I would like to go to grams, but I don't want Matthew here alone."

So, with a very heavy, lonely, scared, heart I made our "bed" on the floor, turned the t.v. on and fell into a fitful sleep. I dreamed of John all night. Weird dreams.

Then as I woke my mind was going wild so here I am. Mark came a little bit ago, bringing donuts....and a much needed shoulder. You see, John and I would get up every Sat morning, go to Panera, make a grocery list, then head to Crest, and Sam's and Walmart if needed. It was our morning. We very rarely, )unless it involved one of the kids) let anything interfere. I missed that so much this morning. I guess its one of those past Sat mornings have been too busy....or otherwise. But this morning I was fully aware of where I should be....with my sweet husband, sharing a bagel and coffee, laughing and loving one another like nothing else mattered in this world. I don't know when I can go back there. That was where I was where he fell. He was trying to get the roof done that Sat. so I went with my friend Sandy instead. What a mistake. What a horrible memory.

Today, is going to be my first. I have to get groceries. Another first. I am going to call Sandy to see if she will go with me. I can't go alone. She knows me well...I think I can do it that way. But I don't want to.

I told the kids I was going to do that today (yesterday) and I told them not to expect big meals like I used to make. That will be a while. But I would try to cook some for them. With Isaacs bb games it keeps us away most dinner times. We are usually gone at that time. But I will buy some canned soup....frozen pizzas, something I can heat up quickly before we leave for the games.

But how I hate to walk in that store....without him. I want him there....holding my hand...laughing with me...he was the math we always would find the bargain....HE would always find the bargain. Please God be with me.

Today was usually the day after breakfast and groceries that we would come and veg out. I don't know what to do today!!!! I would go to Jay and Marilyns but I think they have enough to deal with.

My prayer requests would be:
That God would continue to be with and touch Jay. That God would be with the Heart Doctor to help him get his meds corrected. Help him to gain his strength.

That God would speak to Isaac to let him know that nothing that has happened is his fault in anyway. You know an idea just came to me...Isaac wouldn't understand...but what if God is preparing Isaac for know....a work God has for him.....Maybe. Just pray that God would continue to work in his little heart and mind.

Semester tests for all the kids. Give them wisdom to understand the questions put before them and that God would bring things back to their memory.

That grocery shopping will be okay....that I won't miss John so much, that I will be able to focus on what I need to do and get.

That I won't be so lonely.

BTW...Wendylle,(forgive me if I spell your name wrong) thank you for the song. It was beautiful. I am sure you have listened to it often. Thank you for sharing.

Debbie..thanks for reminding me of the promise God made to our WHOLE family a long time ago. you all Thank You for your love and support....we love you.