Jan 21, 2010

Yesterday was good. No really, it was good. I wouldn't say great. I wouldn't say wonderful. I wont' say the best. But I can say good.

I made it through the school day without sneaking into the restroom for a cry. I did say a few things to Ms Williams that brought tears to my eyes. But, there is something about her that connects with me....and we I don't have to say much for her to understand.

I had a very little nap when I got home which always helps me. John used to tell me that if I didn't get my rest he knew I would fall apart emotionally. He is right. I have to have my sleep or I am an emotional wreck. Which at this point I am already there! Just imagine...w/out sleep.

Then, I took Matthew, Hannah and Isaac out to eat. Rach was with friends. But it was at Chili's. They picked it. You may remember that that was where John and I went a lot on our "date nights" because we could share a meal. This is also where I broke down the last time I was there...before I even walked in the door. I was miserable the whole time I was there.

But, I felt God Carrying me. Yea, it was hard. As we sat and talked I missed John being there talking with us. His favorite thing was to order the chips and salsa. I tried to avoid that,, but Matthew asked if we could get them. I couldn't tell him no. So there was the chips and salsa staring me in the face....mocking me. But, I remembered the scripture from Isaiah yesterday: I say it again because I am leaning on it: He takes care of me as a shepherd takes care of his sheep. He carries them in his arms close to His heart. He cares for those with the young". And as I quoted that in my mind...a peace came over me. I couldn't eat, but I suddenly was able to join in the conversation w/out negative thoughts crowding out what my children were talking about.

Then I joined a group of God Sent Ladies. They too have lost their husbands....their other halves. It was soooooo good for me to know that I am normal. Did you know there is such a thing as Widows Brain? Yea, it can be for years. Where your body knows it cannot handle all the shock, so it slows some parts of your brain down so that other parts can do what they need to do. Memory is one. Thinking is another. I thought I was going crazy when I couldn't remember from one day to the next what I did the day before. Or certain numbers, dates, names, etc. But it has been proven. I am not going crazy.

But more than that....we had something in common. The pain, the hurt, the journey. There was pain from 2 months, (me) and to 12+ years. There is still pain. See, know one knows or realizes that when a spouse loses their loved on...they lose half of themselves, and that is a raw hurt and pain for years and years to come. But, I learned the only way, the only way, was by allowing God to carry me. Especially in those huge waves....those times when I don't think I can make it. Which will be often for a while. I am in the beginning stages of grief and mourning. I have a ways to go. Pray for me.

When I finally was able to be home and be with the kids it was so good. I love them so much. Course, Mr Toler, we had a history test to study for. And Rach had a bunch of Science to work on. I don't think we made it to bed before 11...again...no rest. But God carries me today...it said so in proverbs today.

Matthew is doing good. When he went to eat with us last night he was in a good mood. Those don't happen often. But he joined in conversation. My prayer for him is a lot....I found out that he has an 11 page Sociology test that he has to finish for OWU. SOON! So pray that what he learned while there God will bring back to his memory. THAT is the last thing.

Also, today is another qualifying day for him. Pray that he will do well with his game. That he will make a low score again (77 or below would work). I want this for him so much. I just think it would do so much for his self esteem....and his belief.

Pray for Isaac and I as we study together. Last night wasn't bad. I was just too tired to argue any point. He automatically won them all! Pray that he will have wisdom today as he takes the test.

Pray for Hannah. I am/she is so blessed to have the friends that she has. Pray that she will be the leader among them.

Pray for Rach. She isn't doing well in Science. That was the room that was her daddy's and she was in there with him everyday. So she does not go in there during class. She sits in Mrs. Willifords room and the work is brought to her. So she is missing out on the note taking and she isn't doing very well. Yesterday I asked her, if starting Monday, if she thought she could go in there for just 10 minutes. She said she thought she could! So, pray, pray, pray for my little baby. Pray for peace as she enters the room. I have had to go in there. It sure isn't the same. It was very very hard for me. Help her not to see the changes they have made, but to see it as a Science classroom. We told her that if she couldn't make it that long she could come out. Believe me...I will be there. I have even thought I may go in and sit with her. IF she has to endure it, I will too. Until we can get her to be able to go back into that room. The school has been so good. But she just isn't getting the notes they are taking.

Pray for ALL of my children to desire a relationship with our Lord. I pray that they have a longing for a heart change. Pray that they hear, in their hearts, God calling.

Pray for a friend of mine. She has a son that is Matthews age. As I told her that I felt Matthew needed a heart change, she said "Oh .......does too! Pray for him!" I told her I would. Pray with me for him.

Pray for a good day for all of us. Tonight is the first night we have no plans. That means I have to cook...my first time...I don't know if I can do it...let alone sit at that table. And to be home....all evening ....I know it is hard to understand.....but these are real fears for me. Pray for me. I really want to throw up when I think of cooking and sitting at that table.

Debbie, God has given you so much wisdom with your boys through your journey. Thanks for sharing it with me. I appreciate it.

Jenna, thanks for reading and for your encouraging words....and tell Becky my hair is awesome!!!!

Jessie, thanks for reading. Thanks for your comments. Every word said is of some help for me.

Anonymous: I never looked at it that way. John was, and is and will always be God's gift to me. He belongs to God. It puts a different perspective on all this for me. Doesn't make it any easier of course, but makes me look at it a little differently. Thanks for commenting!

Pray for peach, joy and happiness for all of us today.

I love you all!

Love,
Saundra