Dec11, Sat

Just when you think things couldn't be worse.....of course they do...I am sure by now you have heard about Jay. Thank God, Thank God, he saw fit to keep him here for us longer. How selfish is that?

Isaac was there (again) when this happened to Jay. As Isaac hugged me, he asked me why he was always there when bad things happened? Please pray for him. He is hurting so bad. He kept asking all day yesterday...is Grandpa alive. He had to go see him one more time before we left the hospital to go back to school, He said later...I just wanted to make sure he was alive. I know he knows we kept some things from him with John....I know he is wondering why he is going through this....The poor little guy has seen so much of this lately...I don't know what to do for him.

All the kids are mostly caught up on school...Praise God. Now we need to pray....I mean really pray...for their semester tests next week. I am already starting to worry....help me pray that God give them wisdom.

I want to thank the Day family that has volunteered to take the tree down for us. YOU are a God send. I was so worried about Matthew and Mark getting up there. When Matthew told me that you had come by and looked at it and said you would take care of it....I was so grateful and relieved. And you know....I sensed that even Matthew saw it as an answer to prayer. Thank you for allowing God to use you.

I had the opportunity to see the middle school get their "G" shirt picture taken yesterday. I stood and cried as I was amazed at the kids, teachers, everyone that cared enough to wear a shirt that honored John. Thank you kids, and everyone to care that much. God Bless You.

I was so unsure of going to the H.S. game last night. But Dawn and I made a pact of some sort that "if you go, I'll go". We knew we couldn't stay long...it would be too much. But we did it. Again, we were amazed at the ones that love John.

When Sallye asked me if there was anything I wanted said, I knew right away what it would be. To honor John and to honor God...whom John emulated in all his actions. As I sat at the computer to write those words....I didn't have to think at all, my fingers just moved. I believe it was what was to be said for that moment. I want God to be glorified in this tragedy. I want John to be remembered as "a man who lived life as God intended it to be lived." I want people to go out and live, and reach out, and long to touch a life and make a difference as John did. I don't know if that is what was understood, but I believe each will hear what God wanted them to hear last night.

Last night was a little hard on me. Hannah had a birthday party to go to....stay all night....and Isaac stayed with Brady. I would never keep them from doing the things they want to do, but I was so afraid of staying there...just me and Rach....(Matthew would be with Friends until later). I thought about going to stay with Marilyn, but I kept remembering the words of my friends..."There are always going to be firsts". So I cheated a little and asked Rach which she would rather do. And bless her heart she said, "Well, I would like to go to grams, but I don't want Matthew here alone."

So, with a very heavy, lonely, scared, heart I made our "bed" on the floor, turned the t.v. on and fell into a fitful sleep. I dreamed of John all night. Weird dreams.

Then as I woke my mind was going wild so here I am. Mark came a little bit ago, bringing donuts....and a much needed shoulder. You see, John and I would get up every Sat morning, go to Panera, make a grocery list, then head to Crest, and Sam's and Walmart if needed. It was our morning. We very rarely, )unless it involved one of the kids) let anything interfere. I missed that so much this morning. I guess its one of those firsts......my past Sat mornings have been too busy....or otherwise. But this morning I was fully aware of where I should be....with my sweet husband, sharing a bagel and coffee, laughing and loving one another like nothing else mattered in this world. I don't know when I can go back there. That was where I was where he fell. He was trying to get the roof done that Sat. so I went with my friend Sandy instead. What a mistake. What a horrible memory.

Today, is going to be my first. I have to get groceries. Another first. I am going to call Sandy to see if she will go with me. I can't go alone. She knows me well...I think I can do it that way. But I don't want to.

I told the kids I was going to do that today (yesterday) and I told them not to expect big meals like I used to make. That will be a while. But I would try to cook some for them. With Isaacs bb games it keeps us away most dinner times. We are usually gone at that time. But I will buy some canned soup....frozen pizzas, something I can heat up quickly before we leave for the games.

But how I hate to walk in that store....without him. I want him there....holding my hand...laughing with me...he was the math man....so we always would find the bargain....HE would always find the bargain. Please God be with me.

Today was usually the day after breakfast and groceries that we would come and veg out. I don't know what to do today!!!! I would go to Jay and Marilyns but I think they have enough to deal with.

My prayer requests would be:
That God would continue to be with and touch Jay. That God would be with the Heart Doctor to help him get his meds corrected. Help him to gain his strength.

That God would speak to Isaac to let him know that nothing that has happened is his fault in anyway. You know an idea just came to me...Isaac wouldn't understand...but what if God is preparing Isaac for something.....you know....a work God has for him.....Maybe. Just pray that God would continue to work in his little heart and mind.

Semester tests for all the kids. Give them wisdom to understand the questions put before them and that God would bring things back to their memory.

That grocery shopping will be okay....that I won't miss John so much, that I will be able to focus on what I need to do and get.

That I won't be so lonely.

BTW...Wendylle,(forgive me if I spell your name wrong) thank you for the song. It was beautiful. I am sure you have listened to it often. Thank you for sharing.

Debbie..thanks for reminding me of the promise God made to our WHOLE family a long time ago.

Again...to you all Thank You for your love and support....we love you.

Saundra