Fri Dec 10

When the alarm went off this morning I rolled over and put my arms around John. But then I woke up and it was Isaac. Why? The pain I felt.

Yesterday I held a lot of my "tears in my chest" in. I just thought Matthew was tired of seeing me cry as we were on our way to Target. We were trying to decide about gifts, what kind of lights I needed for the wreath John had made for me years ago....and I wanted to cry. But knew he was tired of them. But I was angry ...at God...at John...that I had to decided these things. That I had to count the lights to go in the wreath. That was his job. Now I am wondering....was that wrong to be mad at John for that? Wrong to be mad at God. I don't know what is right or wrong anymore....do I really care anymore?

I hurt all day. But then God brought Sallye to me. And thank God, she had a shoulder that she offered me. It came...it poured....but what surprised me...I felt no difference. It always seemed better with John. I want to be better. I thank Sallye for her shoulder....for being there...but when does the pain stop??

I really enjoyed your comments this morning though. Some of them were awesome. The stoning of Peter....God's beloved follower. No, I know God is standing with us....looking down at us......but sometimes I hit a wall (as I told Sallye) and then I can't believe anymore.

The kids did well yesterday. Praise God. Rach went to her Eng class, with Mrs. White. At first she cried and wanted me to go with her But I reminded her how much John loved Mrs White and would want her to help her So we decided on just 15 minutes. She went for longer and did okay.

Isaac went to his History class. Alone. Though when I look in at him I see him looking far off...he really isn't there. I wonder where he is....or do I really need to ask?

Hannah drove the white truck yesterday to school after lunch. That was major....that was she and her daddy's truck. They shared it. I didn't know how long until she could get in it. But after lunch, she looked at me and said, "Mommy, I think I am going to drive the truck back to school." That was all. And she did.

Matthew comes out a little more. Pray for him today. We have been wanting to get a tree down in front of our house. Matthew and his friend Mark are going to try and get it down themselves this morning. I am terrified to say the least. I told him I didn't think I was a good idea to do it with out a cherry picker, but they think they can climb and do it branch by branch. I'm so scared. I can't convince him otherwise. Please, please, pray for both their safety. I can't lose him.

Isaac did well at this game. I kept praying, as well as the siems, who I was texting, that God would help coach to SEE Isaac, to find favor with him. And he did. And in the first minute he was in....he scored!!! I know, and told Isaac later....daddy is so proud of him! He was smiling and talked of it all the way home!

On our drive home, it was dark, and there was chatter. But I was thinking. As we drove down 35 heading home, I passed that little park..I can't remember the name, but there is a little putt putt course....batting cages, etc...everytime we went by the kids would want to go. And John and I told them that Yea, sometime we will. Then we went by the Warren Theatre, and I remember, John holding my hand in the car and say, "Sometime, we are going there for dinner, and just going to have a nice quiet evening."

As we passes these places, and I began to think, and remember that God has each of our days numbered, mapped out if you will......then why be so horrible and let us make plans with those we love...where memories like that can break our hearts over and over. Why? I just don't understand. Why would a loving God do that?

During the night, i kept seeing John when I woke...in my mind. I want to hold him guys. Whenever we were in the car, it used to be kind of a race to see who would grab whose hand first to hold as we drove. I want a hand to hold in the car!!!!!!!

You know..I really thought I was doing alright. But not anymore....I just now am starting to feel an overwhelming sadness ALL the time! I used to be able to push it away. But not anymore. Its just there ready to break out....all the time. My heart aches all the time. My stomach hurts....

Before I go I want to thank each of you who turned out at Panera for our benefit. I would have been there but for Isaacs game. I love you all for supporting us...

We are going to try to be at the games tonight. At least for the end of the girls and the beginning of the boys. I don't think we will stay long....don't think I can. But thanks again for honoring my wonderful, wonderful husband in this way. He is happy, I know.

Love,
Saundra