Fri Dec 3

Sorry I didn't blog yesterday. It was a very busy day....and at the end of the day I didn't have it in me.

Mom and dad left yesterday. It was heart wrenching for all of us. I know it was just as hard for me to say good bye as it was for them. Sallye and Jeff Siems were here with my in laws to help me through it. It was good, because I had the opportunity to really cry. Which I'm not sure I have really done yet. But it was a good cry.

The school is being so good to us. I went with Hannah to her 6th hour (they don't want to go alone) and sat in there with her. She did get some work done. I had to go to 7th hour with Isaac and Rach, so Jay came and stayed with Hannah after class so that Ms. Tackett could work with her. She feels somewhat better about it now.

Isaac and Rachel got Math help from Mrs. Benda and Mrs. White. That really helped. They all hated to go to school. I asked them specifically why and they each answered that they didn't want to see the other kids. So, we are trying to work them into it slowly.

Last night we went and picked out a tree. Rachel and Hannah and I had our moment of tears. That was one of John's favorite things. He really made it fun for us. But, we do have a tree, sitting in water until we are ready to bring it in.

I had a calm (the first in the evening) as I lay my head down last night. I told someone that I want to shout from the mountain top, "This is not me! This is GOD carrying me!!!" I know I could never do this on my own. I know he is with me. I don't know how I will do it. But he is carrying me....and the kids.

My mornings are the hardest. I guess as I am trying to wake up I lay there and think. Then my mind wonders to places the enemy would love for me to stay. So I am trying to quote scripture. I just hate mornings.

I took Rach and Isaac to a few hours of tutoring this morning....Hannah went to one hour. Then at 1:00 I am taking Hannah back to Trig, and at 2:10 Rach and Isaac back for more tutoring.

The house seems so lonely. John used to like to have Christmas music playing a lot...I can't. I still want Christmas to go away. How do you enjoy Christmas when the one you love, that loved Christmas so much isn't here to enjoy it with you? You know what he used to say, "I love Christmas because it is all about the kids. I love to make them smile on Christmas morning." Oh, how I miss those words.

We had our own tradition on Christmas eve. I don't know how I will do it. We would check to make sure all the gifts were ready,, that Santa had indeed come, he would take a bite of the cookies that we had made as a family (another tradition), drink the milk, then we would sit and stuff the stocking together watching his favorite Christmas movie: A White Christmas. It's all gone....it will never happen again. I can't deal with that.

My prayer requests today are:
Peace...for all of us
I need Matthew to open up. He seems to hide in his room all day....I miss him too. I need him.
Wisdom in dealing with the questions that the kids have.
Quiet and sound mind for me
Happiness for my children
That OWU (Matthew's Old College) would find mercy on Matthew and make it easy for him to make the transition to SNU.

I feel badly that I have not sent thank yous out. I have been terrible about that. I will get them out. But, please know that I am so appreciative for ALL that you have all done for the children and myself. I consider each of you an angel from God. I am blessed by you. Please please know....thank you so much.