Mon Dec 27

Thank you for all your prayers. It seems they were answered. Yes, we made it through Christmas, my family arrived here and back home safely.

Yesterday was a day of reflection for me. Nothing going on....just kind of quiet. The girls watching a movie on t.v. Matthew in his room. Isaac in his room with Glenn Adams. So that left me alone.

It seemed as though everything I did reminded me of John. I sat in "his recliner" and looked up some things on Ebay. Then I read some grief books, which I want to thank each of you that have shared them with me. It seems that in every book God has a new bit of help for me. Then I just leaned my chair back and thought. Probably not a really good thing to do because it brought tears, but I just reflected on John, and what a wonderful man he really was.

There was an awesome article in The Bethany Tribune this week. Sallye put that together. It was a great tribute to John. My prayer is that he is never forgotten. That his legacy WILL live on because each life he touched will touch another, and that one will touch another, and on it will go.....because of God's Grace in John's life.

Matthew is changing so don't quit praying! We thought he had his work done for OWU that they would release him. But evidently, the teachers were slow in getting the work to the Office of Student Development. So last week we got a lengthy email with all this work that he has 5 weeks to complete, or he gets an Incomplete or an "F". I was so scared to bring it up to him. But I finally did, he took it without emotion.

But, I have been afraid that he would put it off. But yesterday he yelled out to me that he had finished his Lit work! I couldn't believe it! So, I went in and he sure had....and then he told me that for the next 4 days he has it all scheduled to get it finished!!!!! I told him how proud and happy I was that he had taken it into his own hands to get it done!!!!

Plus, he seems different. I can't put my finger on it, but he seems different. He still has that teenage attitude, but he is different. For instance, he is not happy about having to drive the Saturn. He wants to always drive my Explorer. So, a lot of times I give in because I am afraid of an argument. Even though I want my Explorer. But if it will save an argument, I will do it.

Hannah is doing alright. David Long asked her to run in a 5K on Jan. 1. She couldn't give him an answer. I knew why. It didn't have anything to do with not having trained....cold...etc....it had everything to do with daddy not being there to cheer her on and see her at the finish line. But yesterday she asked me to tell David that she would run in it. I am so proud of her. I know she will do fine. I just need to get her some warm running gear! She doesn't have much fat to keep her warm as it is!!!!!

Isaac is doing okay. He is too busy playing with his PS3 that God's Angels gave him for Christmas. He loves it.

Rachel is doing okay. She has her moments when she will crawl up on my lap and just be quiet or even cry a little bit. She misses those moments with John.

The girls did go out and build a snowman yesterday. I was glad that Hannah went out with Rach to do that. They had fun doing it.

I am scared for Monday to come. I am afraid of school, for me and the kids. I am afraid. I don't know why. I don't want it to come.

I still have a hard time letting the kids go places. They seem like it is know big deal....but I want them here with me....safe. I know where and what they are doing.

I don't know what today holds. I don't even know what I am going to do. I kind of wish the snow would go away so I wouldn't feel so guilty about not going out and playing in the snow like John did. After the first snow John would always go out and collect snow and make snow cream. I was sick yesterday when I realized that I hadn't made any (didn't know how). The kids hadn't even asked. I know it was because they knew I couldn't. But when we went to Marilyn's, Dawn had made some and brought some over. Marilyn had it in the freezer. The kids loved it. So, I am going to make some for the kids. I know it won't be like John's. He made such a big event about it.......

My prayer requests
Peace
Joy
That my heart would heal, that my pain would ease
That God grant me wisdom, in all I do, all I say, and as I read his word and the books I have received. Wisdom in financial matters.
Wisdom with my children...helping them in the way God knows is best
That God will send a special person to each of my children that they will be able to talk to.....basically, I want God to fill that HOLE that the death of John has left. Doing things with them. With Matthew that would be mentor, someone he can talk with about golf....go golfing with....be a golf buddy. For Hannah that would be to cheer her on, train her, be at the half way mark, be at the finish line to hug her. For Isaac, that would be someone to play catch with, go to the store with, hang with....just be with. Go do little jobs with....work on things with.....For Rach, date night....shop with, hug a lot.....teach her softball...she wants to play so bad next year. John was going to teach her how to pitch...that was her goal. She is going to start track next year...someone to help her there.

I know I can do most of these things and I intend to try. But I want someone that they can call their own....that one SPECIAL person.

I am still working on Thank Yous. I just want you to know that I appreciate all of you have done. I want to thank all you personally, and I intend to, but it will take a while. So, please know...it will be coming. And if I forget someone..please, please forgive me.

Love,
Saundra

Also, I want to thank you all for the music. It is so soothing to my heart and soul. It is like some songs know right where I am...and it is medicine to me. Thank you again.