Sat Dec 19

Eric, thank you for your thoughtfulness. God has used you in so many unexpected ways. Debbie, your offer was so sweet. I will get with you today...somehow. Hearing your voice put a ray of hope in my heart. You just have such a joyful spirit. I pray that God bless you and your families this Christmas.

Yesterday was another hard day for me. I can't place my finger on why it was so hard. It was just full of tears. As Grace put it....it rained all day.

I awoke with a panic. Had to take some med just to calm me. Isaac went to take his first test. I found out later he passed it! An answer to prayer. He also passed his Science which was the one that I just didn't think we would get a "D" on. It was a high C....we are happy.

Since my kids have been in Mrs. Troyers 3rd class we have bought her some kind of snow globe. Well, I had forgotten. So Rach and I ran to Hobby Lobby and picked one up. From there we picked up Jay and went to the Superintendents office for their little Christmas get together they do for the staff. That was so hard. Seeing John's co-workers, knowing that they are missing him also. I know that I didnt stay long. I apologize...I just couldn't. We took the globe to Mrs Troyer, and as usual she loved it, loved Rach and loved me. If you ever need a hug, love or friend...Mrs. Troyer.

We left the Super's office, Jay also, Rach and I headed to the Middle School to pick up Isaac. As we were driving to the school some christian music was playing and Rachel said, "Mommy, I remember a time when Daddy and I were in the car together, and you know that song where it talks about the little girl and daddy, and how they dance....and then the song says that the guy hopes that she will never be too big to dance with her daddy and her wedding?" I said yes. She said,"Well, one time daddy and I were listening to that song and daddy said, "that's a sad song" and I asked "Why" and he said, "Because I hope you and Hannah are never too big to dance with me at your wedding". She said, "I hugged him and said, "Don't worry Daddy, I will never be too old or too big to dance with you at my wedding." We both broke down at that time. I mean she sobbed, for the first time, sobbed. We held each other in the car, in the parking lot. I didn't have words. I just prayed. Then, I told her how I had put out prayer requests for each of them, that God would send someone who could fill that hole that was left. That I knew, and she knows, that no one can fill daddy's place, but someone God knows that will be able to do with you all those things that daddy did with and for her. I told her that he would send someone to be very special to her on her wedding day. I prayed with her that God would close that hole, that He would send someone to be close to, to do those things that she loved to do with daddy. She just couldn't stop crying. It was her time.

Hannah and Matthew are left. I don't believe they have come to that point. I don't see it far away for Hannah. Though she seems to keep herself busy with her friends. Matthew...the way he is handling it is so different. I don't know how it will play out for him. I worry about him. He seems so angry....all the time....its in his eyes, the anger I mean. Its in his words.

Thank you to the very special family that brought gifts to my family on Thursday. I know you had your family Christmas last night. I know what you adults gave up for my family. I hope you were somehow blessed by your giving last night. I hope you enjoyed your Christmas. And thank you for giving so that my family could have. That is so Christlike.

The Middle School took up a collection and got Rach and Isaac mini computers. They were so excited. Thank you to each of you that gave. EACH of you. I wish I could hug each one and let you know how much I appreciate what you have done.

Today....if I can bring myself to do it, I am going to go stocking shopping with Sallye. I just have a hard time with that. But she offered to help last night.....we will see.

Thankfully, I don't have to do grocery shopping today. Since I can go any day next week. But thanks for being there and available Janeane. I know you were waiting. I will take you up on it some other Saturday.

Roger....I can't say enough. I don't know if you are even reading this blog. But you held a very special place in John's heart. I wish you were here so I could tell you how much he thought of you. Thank you for thinking of my kids....of us. Thank you, thank you again.

Also, I had a houseful of God send men that came to do some work in my home....to make it more comfortable for my family. Thank you for giving your time and all that labor. I hope the blessing is returned to you and your families one day.

Prayer requests:
For God to bring that special someone into each of my kids lives
For my children's hearts to heal, mend
That we would find some Christian grief counseling where we could attend TOGETHER
Christmas
My family as they travel from Illinois and Colorado
Peace, peace, peace
Wisdom for all the decisions I have to make
Strength for today...shopping
Strength for my kids
A special prayer for Matthew...his anger, his hurt...
Wisdom in how I can help him
Just, pray that God would be there to meet my/our need before we know we need it

Thank you for reading. When you respond, when I see you and you tell me that you have read it...it tells me that you care. And, I need to know that.

I love you,
Saundra