Thur Dec 24

My family arrived safely. It is good to have them here. It makes for a houseful....but its kind of nice that way.

It was nice to put my arms around my dad and he squeezed me tight. I felt the love, compassion, and the sadness from him all at once. My mom just held tight and I don't think she wanted to let go.

Then there is my brother Mitch, my comic relief. Without him I don't know if I could laugh. My sister-in-law, Shelley, whom I think can actually feel my pain. She is so sensitive.

My little sis, Debbie, we hugged, and didn't say a word. It was in the look that we gave each other. I know she knows I hurt and no words will help.

My Older sis, Chris, we have been estranged for years, over little things. Not talking to each other for years. This (sadly) has brought us together. But, she hugged me and smiled...and it felt good to hug her again.

My brother-n-law said some very helpful words, "If you get overwhelmed just tell us....we will fix it." I don't have to worry about that. I am not afraid to tell or show my feelings....I can't help it anyway!!!!

But, there is a hard part of all this. As I lay in bed thinking this morning, I thought of Christmas morning, taking pictures. And I thought....OH, there will be something....someone missing. How can we have Christmas without Him?????? He isn't here to share the laughs, he won't be in the pictures....we won't be able to share the "looks" that we would give each other when we would see the look on one of the children's faces as we realized..."yea, that was the right gift!" I don't even want to be there. I want to leave.

I don't want to put a damper on my kids Christmas, but I know I won't be able to be happy, I will just want to cry....and cry.

At the Christmas Eve Service...I don't want to go...but the kids have already planned it. I don't know how they do it......just go on. We always held hands and enjoyed it as a family. I can't feel like a family right now.

I had to ask Marilyn yesterday to buy things for my stocking. It hurt so much. Rach still believes in Santa, who fills stockings, so I had to have mine filled. Or I just wouldn't have bothered. But it hurt so bad. John and I would actually sit on the bed together on Christmas Eve and fill each others. Laughing while we did it. ...and watching..."It's a Wonderful Life". One of John's favorite Christmas movies.

It hurt so bad to ask her. I hated it. I didn't want to do it. That was John's job. On Christmas Eve day he would say to me...."Gotta go get stockings for someone!" I won't hear that today.

John always said....Christmas is for kids. That is why I am doing all I am doing....for the kids. Because I want no part of Christmas this year.

Thank you for each of you that commented. Some brought a peace regarding Matthew and I appreciate that.

Becky, I appreciate that you are making Matthew your focus of prayer. I know that is what he needs.

Denise, thank you for commenting. I know for some people it is hard to express themselves on here. Thanks for your comment, I appreciate it.

Jadean, I have put Matthew at Jesus feet. I have decided to let him be. I will be there to love him, I will try to put my arms around him, I will always try to see his side of things. I will/do love him. It is just so hard....I want to put my arms around him all the time. But he is unapproachable. Sometimes I find myself actually scared of him. But he is at Jesus feet and I see Jesus just gently rubbing his head as he cries and sobs and the tears soak Jesus' feet.

David, the stocking idea is a good idea. I think we are going to hold off on anymore new traditions. That is one I will remember for next year.

Grace, I love you. I love your comments. I love you because of how much John talked about your family. You were all so special to him. Thanks for commenting. And yes, you may use my blog....all the more prayers is my thought!!!!

Kristie...again...God does speak through you. I know it. I can see you actually saying what you write. That is what makes your comments special to me. You have such a great outlook on life. And what you said today is so true. It may be just me, or Rach and me, that go to counseling. But, as we heal, maybe we can help the other heal also. I love your comments....

Deb...Kristie's friend....thank you for your thoughts and prayers. Thank you that you don't know me, but you have the heart of God to pray and contact me. You are a blessing.

Well, I don't know how today may go. It is in God's hands. Please pray

That Matthew will accept my family being here. He told Marilyn that he didn't want anyone here. Isaac the same. But, I need them. I need them here. I will do all I can to make it easy for Matthew and Isaac. But, just pray that it be easy for them. My family knows this and they are letting them have their space.

That the Christmas Eve service will bring me peace.

That I will leave Matthew at Jesus' feet. And I think I need to put Isaac there also.

Patience with all my kids.

That God will continue to reveal that he IS here with me. That he is carrying me. That I don't feel so alone.

Peace...I want peace.

That I don't put a damper on the kids Christmas.

that the kids will understand my pain....and let me cry...(Matthew told me to stop...I cried too much)

Joy

Thanks again for reading. Thanks for commenting. Thanks for praying. Thanks for all you do.
I love you all.....
Saundra