Tue Dec 28

Yesterday was going great. Hannah had went to Basketball practice, Matthew was up and around....though quiet, and Isaac was at Glenn's.

After cleaning the kitchen up, doing some laundry I finally had a chance to sit down. I have a basket that I call my "Grief Basket"...it is full of books, scriptures, letters, etc that you have sent me for encouragement. Then I have a basket full, and I do mean full, of cards that I wanted to sit down and reread. I also wanted to work on my Thank Yous. So, after reading God's word, reading a few pages from a grief book, and a few scriptures from you, I worked on my Thank Yous. I did that for an a couple of hours.

Then I decided that Rach and I would go to the Mall and make some exchanges. While I dreaded going, I know it needed to be done. I asked Matthew if he wanted to go...no. So off we went.

I wasn't in there long until I just wanted to get out. I don't know why, can't pin point it but it just saddened me to be there. We weren't there that long, got our things done and was out.

I should have started this with the fact that every time I walked in the kitchen yesterday morning I would step in a puddle. I was getting mad at Molly (our schnoodle) and beginning to think that she had a bladder problem. Then I realized that it was coming from the fridge. I put a towel down and thought that something was leaking...and went on my business.

Sallye called (she does everyday to check on me!!!!!) and I told her that if Jeff had a chance if he would come by and look at it. Of course he would she said.

So, when I got home from the mall they were just leaving. They came in and said that it was just a button on the freezer part. When I opened the freezer my food was thawed. Eventually it had been that way for a while. But, we thought we had fixed it. But when Jeff looked again he said it wasn't. So, I told that I would call Jay.

Jay in turn called Brad Segard. Bless his heart. He has been here so many times. But, he never says I'll be there when I can.....he comes right away. And he has always fixed the problem. I can't thank him enough. Sure enough he found the problem. Some board in the back was ruined. (funny thing...he was here just last week and fixed the ice maker!) No, that isn't funny ...anymore. My new motto...when it rains it pours at my house!

Luckily, it was cold enough that Jay and I could move the refrigerated stuff to the garage. We salvaged what we hoped would be okay from the thawed food in the freezer...but we lost a lot of it. I was just too afraid to keep it.

Brad will be over to fix it as soon as he get the part. Notice....its not up to him...I am sure he would be here first thing if he could get the part....I am sure. It's when he gets the part. He reminds me a lot of John....he would do all he could to help anyone. Thank you again Brad...you don't know how much I appreciate it.

By then....I thought I couldn't take another step. I didn't mention it to anyone. But i was at the end of my rope. Oh, I know the fridge can be fixed. I'm just weary. Tired. Tired of trying....to be happy, to keep things together....worrying for the kids....to go on....to keep the memories of John from tearing me apart....oh if I named them all you would be weary too.

Then Marilyn called....she knows I still can't sit at our table to eat...and I still have trouble fixing. We have been eating there...bless her heart...I know she is mourning too, yet she takes care of me and my kids. She wanted to know what our plans were for dinner. I just broke. I cried and told her I didn't know. But I was so weary. So tired of it all. She of course invited us over to eat there, but she also knows that the kids want to be home to play their games. She offered so much. I told her I would talk with the kids.

Then I remembered that some Angel had given me some Swadley bucks. That seemed to sound good to my kids taste buds. So, Jay came by and took our orders and went and picked it up. Bless his heart. I feel so badly because I know they are grieving too, yet they take care of us.

I was planning to go over to their house later...but got so involved in my thank yous that it was later than I expected...and I was very tired. So, I got our mattresses out and went to bed.

I feel sad this morning...the way I wake every morning...just waiting to see what today holds. I hope it is something good. I need it.

Thanks for the songs. They are old...but I remember singing them in church. They were both so wonderful.

I don't remember who asked about the time and place Hannah will be running on Jan 1, but I will get the information and post it on here. Brrrrrr, it is going to be cold!!!!! Do they cancel these things because of weather? I wonder. I will get all the info from David Long...he is running with her.d

My prayer requests
Matthew....that God would continue to soften and touch his heart, soul and mind. That he will want to do things with not only Isaac, but with the rest of the family.

Hannah. Again she seems to be doing well. I don't know what she is holding in...if anything. But pray that God do His good work in her. For her protection.

Isaac....That God would continue to heal his little heart. He misses daddy so much. He doesn't say it...but I know it.

Rachel....she seems to be doing pretty well also....just pray that God continue to heal her also.

That God would send an special angel to each of the kids....to fill the void that was left. Someone who can do the things that John did with each of them....that they enjoyed. God send someone.

Me...that God would continue to help me go on. Give me strength. To use the memories as joy and not sadness. To have wisdom for all that I am responsible for...kids, finances, choices....raising the kids...etc.

That God would surround our house with a hedge of Angels. That no evil will enter or prevail.

Thanks for being faithful in reading. I don't feel like I am talking to the computer. Thanks for our comments...they are all so helpful.

Love,
Saundra