Wed Dec 9

Last night wasn't so good for me. First, Isaac continues to act up. Very rebellious. Very argumentative. But Gramps and I are working on it. Then, I tossed and turned last night. Didn't sleep. It was cold. I used to wrap up around John...he was a natural heating blanket. Rachel slept on the mattress with me last night and she does let me snuggle with her.....but I miss John.

I missed him the moment I woke this morning. We used to wake up at the same time and lay and talk. Then he would take a shower while I made him tea and me coffee. I really did enjoy those times. When he was finished showering he would come out and we would take just a few minutes to chat before he would wake Isaac, and I the girls. It was a routine....I miss our routine . I miss him.

Isaac was really acting up last night and Matthew, feeling like the head of the house now. Became very angry. We were at grams and gramps and gramps took him to Aunt Dawns house for a few minutes. Grams and I had a chance to talk with Matthew. Matthew seemed very angry even before the Isaac incident. Well, we talked about how he needed to share. His words were..."I don't see why it does any good to share." I am so worried about him. Then he said he was so angry at Isaac for the way he acted that he wanted to hit him.

We tried to explain to him that that was how Isaac was grieving. We had to let him grieve in his own way. I told him that it hurt me and worried me that he had these feelings. But he still said it did know good to talk about how he felt.

When we got home there was little change...he went to his room again.

Hannah is back in school pretty much full time with the exception of a few classes.

Rachel and Isaac are still on the shorter schedule. But they are getting caught up. Isaac got a 88 on one of his P Algebra quizzes, Rach got a 100 on her Math test, and Hannah got a 90 on her Trig test. Isaac has a History test that I am so worried about. He needs a good grade on it. With everything going on it was hard to really sit down and study.

I have an appointment with the Social Security today. I am not looking forward to it.

My prayer requests are:
Matthew...that he will have patience and love toward Isaac....that he can even HELP him
Matthew....that he will find a special friend, doctor, someone that he will finally open up to. We reminded him last night that he hasn't even really cried.
Hannah that she gain confidence in herself again
Rach...that she will cont to share her feeling and her tears. That school will continue to go well for her.
Isaac....that he somehow work his feelings out in a way that wont' be so hard on everyone around him. BUT, he work it out.
Me..as I go to the Soc Sec office today. Just let it pass quickly, and go well.
Christmas.......
And Matthew...I feel like maybe he feels like he has to be strong for me.....help him Lord. I don't even know how to pray for him...maybe you will.

Love,
Saundra

BTW...Jadean...I certainly remember you. Thanks for your words.
PS....Whenever I had an urge to cry...for whatever reason....I used to tell John that I had a big tear in my chest that needed to come out....and he would let me lay my head on his shoulder and just cry it out. And you know...as a woman sometimes I couldn't pin point the reason. Well, I have a big tear in my chest.....I am hurting today...pray for me.