Tues, Dec 22

Wow! That is all I can say. Your comments surely were God given to you. Debbie, your prayer was wonderful. Can't wait to put my arms around you...and maybe hear one of those prayers in person.

Everyone....and I do mean everyone of the comments spoke to me in some way. Thank you, thank you for caring....and reading.

Yesterday really wasn't bad. I took the girls and dropped them at the mall. I had some to do some stocking stuffing shopping at Target. It was lonely. I was alone. But I knew I had to do it. I would see couples discussing, or arguing over a gift...or something. And I would either giggle (John and I did that often) or drop a tear because I missed it.

We had dinner at Marilyns. I couldn't eat much. We had that appointment with the grief therapist at 7 and my stomach was in knots. Only because when I left the house I went into Matthews room and told him that we were going to dinner at grams, and he said he had other plans. That was fine. I understood. We hadn't even discussed dinner. But then when I said that we had that appointment, I could see the anger in his eyes, on his face. He asked, "If he had to go." I told him he didn't but I would like him to and I reminded him of what he said to Isaac when we first discussed therapy. "It won't hurt it could help us!" Well we left. I didn't know if he would come or not...I didn't expect him to.

He did. But he sat with a very angry look on his face. Going from the therapist (Eva) to me. Very angry...almost hateful. She is very sweet. Very soft spoken. Gave hugs to each child as they came in. Since this was our first time...she said she just wanted to touch base before Christmas. To see how we were doing with Christmas. All of the kids were quiet. Rach told how we would make them wait til daddy got the video camera up and then we allowed the kids to enter the room from youngest to oldest. Isaac said he remembered how we hung the stocking, boy, girl, boy girl with daddy being first. Hannah and Matthew chose not to share.

Then she asked if any of us had any dreams about daddy. Rach had one where he was in some movie. We giggled at that. But the one where I just broke down was Hannahs. She said, "I had a dream that I was at next years state cross country meet and as I ran through the finish line in first place daddy was there waiting for me." She just sobbed. I know that is where she hurts the most because he was her coach, her cheerleader, her dad, her mentor. She has lost him and doesn't know how to deal with not seeing him out there on the course...or in the stands.

Eva then explained to us that it is a good thing for us to journal....not like this...but to God. She spoke about how David did that in the Psalms. Sometimes he yelled, sometimes he cried, sometimes just sang and talked. But, he knew God heard him.

She advised that we do that. Then, that is where Matthew embarrassed me. She asked all of us if we cold do that. We all agreed. Matthew didn't. She specifically asked him if he would. He asked what the difference was between writing it down and praying. She explained that to him. He then said, "Do you do it?" She said she had and had been doing it since the death of her husband (16 years ago. She is now a certified therapist) He said, "Well, what is good for some may not be good for others". She told him that that was true, but that is what she found helpful to her.

She prayed with us and then Matthew and Hannah left. I stayed back and apologized for Matthews behavior. He had an attitude the minute he walked through the door. But she said she understood. She said, he is grieving....we just need to pray for him.

I got a text a few minutes later from Matthew that he said he couldn't go to her. I went to Jay and Marilyns. I felt all hope was gone. I can't hold this family together. I felt like everyone was going their own way....Matthew, Hannah, even Isaac said he wouldn't go back. Jay, Marilyn and I cried together. I was very honest when I said, I just want to give up. I can't do this.

It is one thing to have to deal with Johns death. But to have to deal with Matthew....I can't. It is too much. It is just too much.

My mind is boggled again. I can't pray. I try to read......but all I can think about is how am I going to be a mom to this family that doesn't want to work together to heal. We are all going our own ways.

Marilyn keeps begging me to lay Matthew at the feet of Jesus. It is so hard when I know he is hurting and he won't let me help. He hasn't hugged me once since the service. OH, how I want him to hug me. Eva shared last night that at her low point, after the death of her husband, she was crying and her 17 year old came in and asked her what he could do to help. I said to her, and Marilyn later..."OH, how I would love for one of the my kids to come and put their arms around me and ask me...how I'm doing, or how can they help? But Matthew seems too angry, Hannah is too busy with her friends, Isaac does hug some, Rachel is my hugger. But, and I don't know if any of you understand this but, if I just felt like Matthew had some feelings....any feelings.....but he seems cold and uncaring. Like my sister said, he has built a wall around his heart....around him. I love him so much...if he only knew how much I would love a hug from him.....

I went to bed miserable last night. Not really knowing where he was. But, just wanting to love him and knowing I couldn't.

I hate to face today. Just not knowing what I face with him makes me weary and I just want to cover my head and hide. Let this all pass. Let it all go away...christmas.....everything. But I can't...so pray for me.

Pray for Matthew. That God would somehow soften his heart. That someone would come into his life that he could open up to. He won't go back to Eva.

Pray for Hannah. That the pain she feels, the worries on her shoulders would be lifted during this Christmas.

Pray for Isaac. That as he looks at the stockings, he won't miss daddy's.

Pray for Rachel. She hold tight to me. She cries with me. But I don't want that to hurt her. I pray that as she sees me experiencing the pain, the tears...that God would use it for His good and only to help her.

Pray for My relationship with Matthew. That I will have wisdom when to talk and when not to talk. To act and when not to act. To not be afraid to love him, even when he won't love me back.

Pray for an angel for each of my children. Someone that will fill that gap that has so brutally been made by the loss of John.

Peace

Pray for traveling mercies for my family. My brother left early yesterday to try to beat the storm. Pray for his safety. The rest, from Illinois left early this morning. Pray for them.

Pray that I can get through Christmas. I told Eva I want it to go away. But I know it can't. If I didn't have the kids....it would for me.

Oh God help us, help me. I need you to carry me.
Love
Saundra